i'll keep fireflies in a jar.

its been ages since i last blogged like seriously!

how i wish i was paid to blog!

at least thats a job!

but oh wells no one would do that.

no one would pay me to blog cos im not as pretty as xiaxie.. (:

niways i was all done up and ready to kick some ass when everything was cancelled.

super upset but oh wells the world still spins.

so i took pictures to kill my boredom.

im fat but still.

Go ahead if u wanna say im damn fat, damn ugly blah blah still dare to take pictures..

-_-

doesnt mean im ugly and fat means i dont have the rights to take pictures rite?

niways babyE i miss u truckloads!!

Not now please..

im just not in the right mood...

everything seems so wrong.

i hope i get this one this time.

i really need it to take away my troubles fer now.

its over between the both of us.

i dont get it.

i was the one who mentioned it but i feel sad.

i dont understand why.

i think my period is coming cos im pms-ing real bad man!

i used to think everything would be alright once u come back to me.

yes u did ur best.

yes u filled back those empty spaces.

yes u loved me with all ur heart.

But there's something that is missing!

just that something.

not every patch back works out.

sometimes i wished u really understood where i was coming from.

i admit i was tryna get back at u in the start..

but i gave up that thought quite sometime back.

now i really have no intentions on getting back at u but its all gone.

its all coming back at u as if i was getting back cos its like replaying back the same drama just that we swoped..

idk how many times i have to apologize.

i just shouldnt have,

i shouldnt have agreed to get back with u just like that..

and now i've hurt u so bad.

i know exactly how u feel.

i dont wanna do this but the feelings just aint the same.

everythings coming back and remembering all that she has said to u, its just one of the hardest to get rid off.

i feel like i've done wrong.

im just sry kay?

we'll stay as awesome frens first then we'll see how it goes can?

Labels: its eating into me.

Dusting my super awesome dusty blog.

so many things happened and this time i called it off.

Alot of things went on.

Family shit..

to u, in my whole 19years of living u have nvr liked me so no point fighting back with ppl like u.

Niways to the other u, im just sry things happened and as far as i know in this 5 years i have nvr been this rude to u before.

Az and i are staying as super awesome friends.

i dont know where to begin but my heart aches as im saying this.

we were talking when he told me that he came across my blog and read my post.

only till today did he read those things i wrote for him.

im just sry all this is happening i know its a sudden shock and its too much for u to handle but i hope u understand that the scar u left on me, for some reason it will nvr fade.

im sry i have to put u through all these.

i promise i am not making u taste ur own medicine.

but i just need this time to think bout what i really want and need.

i read my post earlier on and i cried.

i really need to move on now.

we're just not for each other.

there's this saying.

if u really love that someone, let it go.

if it comes back its ur's to hold.

i finally understood this but its not true.

its not mine to hold.

im letting go only becos i no longer wanna get back at u.

some other stuff that i would tell u face to face.

Labels: i know it hurts but im sry

Omg its been a long long time since i last blogged.

Idk whats going on.

This feeling just aint fading away.

I miss Eerah alot..Hais.

Well i know alot of things happened.

Just the other day i wanted to text her and ask how is she but im just afraid she havent calm down yet.

I hope if u're reading this u wont think its just bullshit.

I really meant what i said.

I SWEAR I MISS U ALOT!

CROSS MY HEART!

Will u come back to me soon?

how i wish i still had u to talk to.

update on our lives even when we're veh busy.

i hope u're doing fine!

with love brenda

Labels: maybe just someday

I knew this wont work out.

Its gonna be two to be perfect.

Well i guess this is it.

Baby E u noe i'd always love u and stand by u like how u would.

I thought u would understand but seems like u dont and wont.

Well i'm veh hurt cos i loved u so much i didnt wanna let go but i have to now.

Knowing that u're happier now and knowing that u're ok with nad alr then thats good.

It's time to let go.

Goodbye girlfriend.

I just want whats best for u and i'd definitely respect ur decision.

U know i'd always be here for u no matter what..

If one day u're tired of all the bullshit and drama's u know u can still look for me and i promise to lend u a shoulder to cry on and lean on.

Seems like race is chasing up with me.

And in the end it still does matter.

Labels: goodbye my love

I was out on the sat.

I was supposed to go over to bugis but then i didnt go in the end.

Met up with stefe and we were supposed to head down to farmway but found out it was a scam.

Then we went to ehub.

It was raining when we wanted to leave so we went to eat before leaving.

Someone called me!

Anyways met up with the double J's.

Met up with u after that.

We walked to whitesands then back to my area.

Talked talked and more talks.

Thought we poured out everything alr.

Went to catch breakfast in the morning and then went back home to shower.

My itchy hands led me to unlock ur fone and read everything.

I got upset, then woke u up and asked u down to trash it all out.

After everything, we went to catch our first movie together.

IPman2 was heaven!

Superb!!

Walked to whitesands, then went to lepak.

Sent u to the bus stop then went to meet J for awhile before heading home.

Labels: god pls watch over us

Just the other day i made a big decision

I could have ignored it but i went ahead to fix it.

I deleted u off my facebook.

Knowing that many post were coming at me and to bring me down.

I also went ahead and deleted our pics from my fone.

I had to do all that otherwise whenever i look at em i wont be able to move on.

Today im feeling much better even though i wont be able to see ur pretty face, read ur post or anything.

I took loads of courage to delete u off.

I even cried while i forced my mouse to click on delete.

But honestly i had to stop somewhere and i made that my final pour.

I think i'll be better this way.

Having to see ur wall posts and all is killing me.

How can i watch u be happy and suffer on my own this way.

Rmb u once promised me to get a couple watch?

Where was it?

Did u make it happen?

Did u bother saving up to get it for us?

I dun wanna have to answer those questions.

I jus feel like u gotta ask urself all that.

In that 3 months, i've done so much.

More then i would have done for anyone.

But did u really appreciate it?

I dont wanna assume.

U can answer that as well..

Knowing that u were a muslim boy but still wanted to share the feeling of christmas with u but all i got was reprimands.

Till today i'll nvr forget what u told me.

U said 'imma muslim and someone wanna act smart and celebrate christmas when i dun do so'.

It kept me wondering if it was wrong to do so.

Is trying a new season too much for u to handle?

I wont deny that it was the best.

I had much fun.

I saved up money to go get u presents.

U didnt give me anything but i was happy cos i saw that smile on ur face that money cant buy.

We were at T3 and we went back to days when we were small kids.

We drew, colored and designed.

Till today im still keeping it if u even remembered.

I had many dreams of celebrating ur birthday with u.

U were the first guy i brought home to meet my mum, my aunties and my frens.

I dont know hw much that meant to u but it meant alot alot to me!

Its really hard letting go of u cos i went through so much with u.

Thick and thin.

Rain or shine.

U were the first one who celebrated valentines with me

U were the one who was there for me and with me when nenek left.

I'll nvr forget how u sat there quietly to hear me out and hugged me when i cried.

Not saying a word but just syg-ed me and told me u'll be there no matter whats gonna happen next.

Even on the day nenek was cremated, u were there for me.

U tried so hard just to put a smile across my face.

U were there every single day.

When i am down, angry or upset u would offer me ur arm and let me bite.

It hurts but u just wanted to let me vent my anger.

Everytime we quarrel, u would mend it and fix it.

Everytime i get lazy of walking u would piggy back me.

No one has ever done that!

Rmb the times we fell together?

Whenever i walk pass those places, till today i would smile to myself.

Recalling all the times we had together is super painful.

Remembering the things i did for u puts a smile on my face.

I dont have patience for art but i sat there doing photo frames to folding roses and all.

Going to ikea in the morning to buy bottles and cup for u.

Having ikeas breakfast with u and all.

Eating at Bk's with ur swollen tongue.

Cooking spicy noodles forgetting u just pierced ur tongue.

Waking u up cos i had nightmares.

Watching u sleep.

Forcing those blackheads off ur face and recovering it with a mask while u were aslp.

I was like a little baby then. (:

No one has nvr made me feel like a princess till the day u got in my life.

Regretting is the only word i have for us.

I regretted the way i treated u and all.

Wanted to change over but u wont allow me too.

Love and hate, ups and downs, we pulled through so much till the last min u walked out and left me.

But today i see a happier u.

I'm glad that u're finally happy.

Happy with the one u always wanted to be with.

With the one who doesnt always make u wanna cry.

I hope u're really happy with this.

I dont wanna bother u and ur new life anymore.

The other nite was the last time i was gonna hear ur voice.

I used to ask myself, are u missing me the way im missing u?

Crying urself to bed like i do?

Would u be coming back to me soon?

Show up at my door step, hugged me and tell me everything is over now and u're back for good.

Come back to love me once again.

And many many more.

But just the other nite i got all the answers to my questions.

I gotta start telling myself, brenda this is reality.

Brenda he is not coming back again.

Brenda he is happier now.

Brenda he doesnt wanna be with u anymore.

Brenda u are missing him like crazy but he is missing someone else.

Brenda u are crying urself to bed but he's hooked up on the fone with a smile before he goes to bed.

Brenda u are fatter and uglier then the girl he is with now.

Brenda u dont deserve him becos u're just an idiot.

If u're reading this, i just wanna tell u im sry.

Sry for the way i treated u and all.

Im sry for everything.

Im just sry i cant go on this way anymore.

Im sry i said i would wait but im moving on.

Im sry u're not coming back anymore.

Im sry i have to pull myself together and stop all thes nonsense.

I WISH U ALL THE BEST IN LIFE.

AND I PRAY FOR THE BOTH OF U.

I GIVE U MY WARMEST REGARDS AND HAPPINESS.

Labels: when it all comes to an end

i dont know what else is to be done.

i talked, cried, explained..

i tried everything i could but nothing brought ur heart back.

i sent a 6 long msg text to u and all u could say was oh ok bye.

u said u wanted to meet me but when yesterday came, u werent there.

i found out the answer as to why u didnt meet me.

i went home with 4 blisters on my feet, a heart that hurt and sorrows to come along with.

what can be the best?

u rubbed salt on my wound was the best gift ever.

i guess what i did to u, u're only taking back ur revenge.

u said u were only back to ease my pain but u added on to my pain.

u said u were stressed out cos u dont know who to pick but actually when u said that i alr knew who u picked.

just cos im of a different race does not mean im nicer to hurt!

its time to try defying gravity

kiss me goodbye of defying gravity

and u wont bring me down.

im through accepting limits.

till i try i'll nvr know.

Labels: miles and miles to go. before anyone can hear me laugh again

how i wish we dcan redo everything.
i wanna find u and tell u i need u.
i want u to tell me ur secrets and ask me ur questions.
lets go back to the start.
no one said it was easy its such a shame for us to part.
no one said it was easy no one said it would be this hard.
i'll take it back to the start.
im just sry i couldnt give u what u want.
u like big boobs and now u got her i hope u're happy with what u have
im sry i went on my knees.
u shld have told me earlier that u didnt love me so i didnt have to waste so much time but its ok.
i didnt know what a jerk u were till todae.
i'll be ok but just not at nite.
now i know what makes the world go round.
thousand of ppl dying but i know i gotta be strong.
what doesnt kill u makes u stronger.
go ahead now be gone!
i have ppl who really care for me.

Labels: i shld have done it before u

Its over.
azhari and brenda are just two passing strangers.
It really hit me bad this time.
i put in my all.
so many times i said i didnt love him.
find fault with him just to break.
i realised i didnt mean it.
but its really over.
even if i were to talk things out, u alr dont love me the same so whats the point
U lied to me..
u said it didnt matter,
u said u love me till ur last breath rmb?
u went against that.
u said u only wanna be with me till the end.
..
i hate u
i hate that u had to lie

Labels: im down with no one to turn to

I did ..

I just did.

I said sry for the things i didnt do..

It was not that i didnt wanna back u up or anything.

I was out.

Its all my fault.

I apologised but u did nothing.

..

ok everythings said and done had this conversation with her.

i cried.

im really sry,

i didnt knw it would all turn out this way.

Labels: im sry i let em down

Its been a veh long time since I last blogged.
The other day I had a job.
Guess what?
On my first day of work, I made it my last as well.
I was being a maid and no way would brenda wash toilet.
Anyways baby came to pick me up from work.
Went to eat dinner then went to bugis street to jln jln.
Anyways nanny left on the third day of cny.
I cancelled the trip to vietnam cos I didn't have any mood left.
Meeting up with all my lovely's soon.
Meeting stefe tmr.
Eerah the day after tmr. (:
Talking to baby on the fone right now.
Toodles

Labels: a long long tmr

First jan was the day we chose to get together.
And on first feb we came across obsticles and we survived.
We were on the battlefield and this war almost killed serveral thanks to some ugly kid.
Its only been a month but we went through much.
More to come my sweetheart.
From first of feb i've been staying at nanny's place.
Been going out almost everyday.
Coming home really late and all.
Gonna have to change that.
Went out with WTPN the other day had so much fun i went back at 1 plus in the morning and i forgot to tell anyone.
Cos i nvr had to tell anyone where i was going and what time i would return.
I forgot that i had to tell anyone about my movements.

and to syairah if that post on ur blog was meant for me, i really got nothing to say.
just did it out of concern but if u think i was the reason to ur heartache and heartbreak then im really sry.
u just wont understand why im doing all this.
Its ok bout our frenship.
seems like guys are more impt to u.
go ahead be my guest.
just take it that our frenship was nvr meant to be????
i really dunno and i doubt i care anymore.
its really tiring having to be the one saying sry for the things i didnt do all the time.
the last time we quarreled, i really really had enough.
cos look since the last quarrel, i told myself if its gonna happen again then i'll just let it go.

Anyways im hungry now and so im gonna get ready and meet AZ.
toodles! happy new year all!
XOXO BRENBREN.....

Left the house with jelly.
Cabbed down to meet eerah.
I swore the cab driver was a piece of shit!.
Anyways meet eerah and went off to look for my stuff.
Wanted to go down to another place but found it anyways.
So after buying all my stuffs, we bus-ed to the mrt station, trained to queenstown and cabbed to bukit timah.
Took my cert and we went to take a bus.
It was my first time i took a bus from there!
Cool shit.
Bus-ed to dover and trained back to bedok.
Waited for the guys for over an hour.
Lepak-ed for an hour and sent eerah to neneks place.
Walked to the bus stop and bus-ed to dan dan's place.
Kak yun picked us up.
Showered in the dark and went down to meet them
Dandan brought his frens and i hate them.
Hate the crowd like fck!
Fck off!!
Baby changed his image.
He look damn mat!
But love him

Labels: hate the crowd

azzie came to look for me on friday and went back on sunday.
Baby cried! Freak ass sweet!
My gay boy!
I like!
Gonna wake up at 6 later so.
Wake baby up and den hit the sack again.
Waking up at 12.
Get ready and meet irah.
Got to do list and gonna fix it all later. (:
Wanna upload pic but apparently I can't so I gonna go off now.
Toodles!

Hey there monsters!

Met up with stefe, shop and saved, loyang point, 109 to grannys to bake.

Had loads of fun again this time.

Went back home at bout 10pm, walked, reach, chilled.

Went back to shower and met baby.

Baby waited for me downstairs for the next 30mins.

Lepak-ed, cabbed over to eerah's.

Chilled and had fun.

Dan dan was there too.

Anyways baby gave me morning breakfast.

He just lose grip of me and i fell off the chair and hit my ass and head!

Loud boom!

I cried like pregnant clouds.

Chilled till afternoon, went back home.

Then ya so on and so forth.

Baby left his keys with me so i might be going down to pass it to him tmr then catch the last bus back.

Fingers crossed cos i dont know what the plan might turn out to be.

Gonna hit the sack real soon.

My eyes feels really really heavy already

Toodles all human beings

Labels: sometimes i wonder

Last night was the night i closed a unhappy story behind me.

I deleted tagged cos someone was not happy bout me holding on to it.

I thought that might have made that someone happier but apparently i was not.

After i deleted it, that someone was still pissed with me.

But well i didn't regret cos i deleted it cos i wanted u to be happy.

I deleted it cos i didnt wanna see u angry or upset.

I did it willingly and wads more wads there to hold on when i've alr got you.

You hung up the fone just like that and so i went to shower.

When i got out i sat there waiting for u like a fool again.

Thanks!

I switched off my cell phone and went to bed.

This morning i switched it on and all i got was just one text from u.

And that text made me more mad at u.

Cos it seems like everythings my fault.

Fine then.

Babygirl i'm sry if i seem like im taking out my anger on u.

But i'm not so dont worry.

Anyways i dont know what are we right now.

The other day we were talking and i realize we have nothing to talk about already.

We used to have so many topics till we didnt know where to start from.

We used to laugh and giggle like no tmr.

But it seems too fine right now.

I wont let go but i dont know where to begin.

Labels: u just dont understand how i feel

Good noon all!

Was at irah's place till last night when i suddenly felt like going home.

Cabbed back and was on the fone with AZ till the line got cut off and i realize he fell asleep.

FB-ed then went to sleep.

Woke up, continued texting.

Said somethings that i was not supposed to but hurt myself with those things i said.

It was almost over.

I dont wanna stay home i wanna get my ass out!

But no one is there for me.

I felt like i've changed.

I don't wanna say u changed cos i keep seeking myself first.

If i wanna say others i gotta check out my butt first.

I was upset last night cos i felt like i no longer understand u.

No longer find myself able to click with u.

No longer feel close to u.

Jus felt that the things u did annoyed me.

Felt like we're really drifting.

There's nothing more to talk about.

I nvr though this would be it.

I dont wanna elaborate no more.

I'll just keep it to myself.

Someone once told me to voice it out but whats the point when u dont even see it.

I dont wanna give it up but i dont know how long more i can hold on

Labels: when it all seems fine

Please give me one more try for the sake of our love
Let's give it one more chance coz I can't give you up.
I can't live one more day without you in my arms
I could never find another like you.

Wed- Temaned baby to uncle joe's place and back to her crib.

Thurs- Spent the entire day at her crib, looked for job, rolled, laughed, chimney-ed!

QUOTE FOR THURS- ARE YOU LOOKING FOR HIRING!

TM- Nursyairah Binte Azman

Friday- spent half my day rotting at her crib, laughed, looked for job, rolled and home, got ready and went out with WTPN, got back, got ready and met azzie.

I'm god damn happy.

I found the thing i want!

I met azzie today.

We quarreled half way and dragged things.

Was supposed to go meet babyE.

Yeah anyways things were back on track after that.

We walked to macs,breakfast-ed, 711-ed, void-decks and home.

Recently oldies make me go googoogaga...!!!!!!

They are like the best damn thing pls!

Sweets is loved!

BAbyE is LOVED!

Am supposed to meet azzie later after he gets his ass back home to hibernate.

But nah i dont want cos theres a better plan tmr.

Insyaallah tmr's plan jadi.

If not then see how things go.

But then azzie gonna pick me up first then go meet danny.

Labels: swing my lungs out tryna get to u

Hey afternoon earthlings.

I need a change my timing alr.

I am no longer affected by the alarm and thats bad.

Well im starting to think if i made the wrong move.

Im like playing checkers one wrong move and i'll be down.

I don't wanna have to break someone's heart and say im sry.

I really hope this words.

I know i wanna love u.

I just dont know how far this can go.

I'm like living in nightmare.

I'm afraid u'd walk out and leave me.

I dont wanna have to think so much.

I gotta start looking for a job.

Keep my mind off rubbish.

He got pissed with me yesterday and we quarreled.

I put down the phone cos i didnt wanna have to quarrel with someone i love dearly.

I almost cried but i held it all back and pulled it off.

BABY E finally called.

We talked on the phone.

Then conference with A.

I want us to lead a better life.

I need to take my car license.

I needa start loosing weight.

I Need so many things.

I need cash too.

I'm gonna start looking for a job.

I dont care what u've gotta say so just keep it to urself.

Labels: when we're on the battlefield

вяєη∂α σηg яι тzєє♥
lesson #1, dont ever judge a book by its cover.

ηυяѕуαιяαн αzмαη♥

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