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And so it goes..
it may be the second post but i don't care i can't take it anymore and i just don't wanna be a cry baby.. but to those who knows the feeling of wanting to cry so badly, its like somethings stuck in your throat.. i really don't understand at all why isit that all these has to happen to me.. i had nvr asked for alot have i?? all i wanted was for a happy family but i just can't get such a simple thing.. it seems like i'm the pempered and everythings fine but everythings just not fine at all.. i just feel that everything is so wrong.. no one really cares for me.. since young, mummy B will be working and daddy C doesn't like me.. and when i have no more daddy C in my life, mummy B works even harder and since, i went to the childcare.. primary sch came and went secondary came and still everyday when i went home, i'd be left all alone in the cold empty house.. i hardly get a chance to see mummy B at times.. cos when she was out, i was alr sleeping. i hardly get chance to speak to mummy B don't even say eat dinner with her.. in my whole life, i have nvr sat down and eat a proper meal with mummy B more than 10 times.. and now, it seems like its so hard to communicate.. when we see each other we talk less than 10 mins we would end up shouting, quarreling and banging things.. it seems like many people have family problems and some even think i'm the best cos i don't have to go through this kinda things but no one knows.. i have nvr talked bout this kinda things to any of my friends before.. i tell no one how lonely i am.. how desperate i want a cozy sweet family.. no matter how nice the house may be, at times i don't even feel like going back.. so at times i had to try all ways to be happy and play mischievious in sch.. sometimes only with my friend then do i feel nothing.. but once i reached home, i had to find ways to numb my pain.. i'm really tired but no matter how i tried running away and hiding i still have to come back to where things were.. sometimes i feel like runnin but i have no where to go.. and thats why i want someone who can hold my hand and tell me how everything was gonna be alrite and kiss my pain and wipe my tears away.. till today mummy B still doesn't know who i really am.. sometimes i feel like telling her what i was going through but i can't.. i smoke not cos its cool.. its cos i feel so shattered and don't know whats there for me in life anymore.. i cover up for the way i feel and just numb my brain hoping someday it will go away but it got worst.. i hate no one but myself.. i need god's help cos only he know what i'm going through all these years.. i've always been thrown around walked on and everything.. till today after daddy C is dead for more than a decade, i still don't understand alot of things.. i tried to recall the good old days but all i can remember when i close my eyes, i just wanna scream and want so badly to open my eyes again.. i'll cry when i think bout the past.. my childhood suck big time.. till now.. i'm at such a lost.. such a loser.. such a lost child.. i admier those with daddy.. i nvr knew what was fathers day.. nvr knew what was fathers love.. nvr knew when was fathers day.. i recalled one year during my primary sch days, my teacher asked to draw or write something for daddy's day.. but i sat there at a lost.. fearing how my friend will laugh gossip and point fingers at me.. i used to cry myself to bed everynight but slowly i got used to it.. and i cry like burst waterballons and spoiled water taps everytime i think or talk bout this kinda things.. its a nighmare i swear!! |
вяєη∂α σηg яι тzєє♥ lesson #1, dont ever judge a book by its cover. 
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