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And so it goes..
looking back its like only weeks ago when these kinda things happen to me.. still feeling lost like i always was but now when there's no more u, i feel more lost then ever.. don't noe why i still yearn for u... perhaps i'm sick... just feeling so sick of love songs.. so tired of tears.. so done with wishes.. i've changed the calendar i had, cos since there's no more u there's no more aniversary.. i really don't have any idea what i want with this life anymore.. but i noe i cannot possibly end it cos i've lost u in a storm.. i've really already tried my best to put in 101% of effort in loving u but this is still what i get in return cos ur frens told u that i was not good enough to be ur's.. since u think they're right, then go to them cos they will find u someone better then me a thousand time perhaps..isn't it that ur happiness lies in ur own hands?? guess ur happiness lies in ur frens hand to decide for u.. well i can't do anything but wait for what ur heart really tells u.. but whatever it is i already told u i will respect ur decision so take care... i really really need a break from everything.. i had been having migraine for days.. guess it really hurts till i almost went crazzy... time really flies cos i'm like gonna graduate from GREENVIEW in another few days.. i will definitely miss those i used to cherish.. well take care to all.. i guess after exams then i'll be back to blogging.. i really need ur words to go on BL... sry for i've ran astrayed from u.. now i noe that u're true i wanna follow ur words.. bring me to where i should go... daddy i'm really sry.. i dun wanna dissapoint u.. i really need u to go on.. pls save me.. i noe i've done wrong.. shall be mugging hard so toodles everyone... And so it goes.. don't play punk cos its not nice to fool around bitch... ain't in any mood as N lvl's are really approaching soon.. and i kinda lost my entry proof.. god damit and i freaking hell dun feel like finding it... and if i don't have it then i can prepare to die.. its like so whatever man.. wanna start talking bout then things we left under the carpet for so long??? fine den.. dun blame me if u burn ur fingers... i ain't pin pointing at no one unless someone feels guilty.. cos i feel that i have every right to say what i feel is right.. no one is gonna look u as an apple in the eye if u keep bitching around... throwing a thousand and one weight around won't help... since being close to someone is not wrong, i'm sure u will tell that person.. but it does not scare me.. i've yet to bring justice back to life.. so wait and see.. watch it coming... And so it goes.. i nvr knew if i could trust u bodoh.. i've learned that i've accomplished nothing over the last 16 years and i really hate myself for that... i've tried and tried over and over agn but things just didn't work out right.. seems like there nothing left for me to cry over.. being foolish is me.. so is being the clown.. anyways i went out last nite to get my things done.. so i left the house at around 6.. was supposed to call BS to go with me then bloody hell she was sleeping.. so i gave it a miss as BJ wanted to go with me cos she was feeling down and didn't wanna stay at home.. so we walked to central and got bubble tea then took a bus down.. while waiting for the bus she drank up her's and finished mine as well.. then we went to catch a movie as well.. it was fun.. and it was the first time we went to the movies together.. the movie started at 11.45.. so by the time we finished watching, it was ard 01+.. den the both of us didn't wanna go back so early so we walked back from TM.. then when we reached home, we didn't wanna go up so we slacked under the void deck.. then when we really stood up and went baack home, it was alr 04+.. got home, showered and went straight to bed cos i was really too shag to hold on.. then came sunday afternoon when i woke up.. thought of mugging hard todae but i've yet to open a single book or start with a paper at all.. so dead.. And so it goes.. haven't been free lately to blog... anyways i went out on thursday... i went back home after a long and boring dae at sch... then left the hse ard 04+ and headed down to orchard.. after that went fareast... then walk walk till quite late.. then took 518 all the way back to pasir ris... then showered and went to bed as i got up on fridae morning and got ready for sch.. after sch i went back home, slacked, then prepared and went out to chill.. slacking was great as laughter filled the place.. went over to BZ hse and chilled for a little while and left the place at ard 10.35.. walked over to spc as BS wanted to get a drink.. walked to central and from there i walked back home.. reached home and did lots of things.. feeling really shag.. afraid i might fall sick again before N's... And so it goes.. perhaps it all started with me... alright i admit.. i admit i kinda still miss him.. its my fault for not giving him those kinda feelings i guess. but well talks made me see through him.. i'm almost a failure in everything i do... well todae was great cos i crapped ard alot.. got my hands drawn... and well i've learnt that i can cope with both play and studies in class todae... i played around but when it came to doing work, i did it seriously with all my heart... when everyone else was playing i was mugging hard i swear... and i did maths on my own.. its the 1st time i put in so much effort for maths in class.. then had CPA... everyone was talking like the lab was a fish market or sth.. but once agn i was doing my paper... went late to school and so i cabbed there... had chats while having spot check... then recess came and i was at the office agn... didn't have to write lines as mr malik kept my EZ-link as he wanted to talk to me seperately... then the dae went on and on.. everything else was great apart from still being confused... its not that i've been acting weird recently.. its the things that were kept from me.. guess we're really drifting apart cos i dun have anything that fits into ur schedule... well i will wait den.. how i really regretted using the damn penknife.. fck cos the lines are still visible.. had a really hard time covering things up.. but guess i gotta trust a saying that ming tian hui gen hao..=) yupps so this shall be all for now.. tmr will be a new start of a new competition... more have yet to come.. jiayou jiayou B u can do it de!!! still staying as ugly betty suits me better.. And so it goes.. i dunno what i did but everyone is turning their backs on me.. i'm stressed out.. when i needed u most u broke off with me.. who am i to turn too now?? i've yet to stand on my feet but everythings falling down on me.. can i give up on my life?? does everyone go through this as well??? what have done wrong??? i'm breaking down... washed out.. seriously i need time.. but there seem to be nobody there for me.. the world is lying to me i've learnt that the truth hurts.. i've lost everything like playing stocks.. no one cares bout me.. everyone is busy.. is it too late to let u noe i love u?? is it to late for a second chance i'm gonna shut down like a computer.. i need my rest.. rest away from this hurting earth.. i've got no one.. no one loves me.. everyone is hiding things from me.. i need a shoulder to cry on rite now.. daddy can u beg with hell to take me in?? i needa leave this place.. i dun wanna grow up anymore i wanna stop breathing... perhaps i'm an irritant to everyone.. i annoy the whole world.. i shall leave quietly i promise.. i will not bother a single soul.. And so it goes.. i skipped school todae.. and i really feel like quitting sch.. i drank the whole bottle of cough mixture ytd nite to make myself drowsy enough not to think.. and so i went to the room and started crying.. i told myself that if the game ended, i promised not to cry cos i had no feelings towards u.. but i was wrong cos when i thought back, i had feelings for u after all.... and i knew we had no time fer each other cos exams are nearing.. i didn't blame u but guess its ur excuse.. shall not hold it against u cos feelings towards me may have either faded or nvr at all started.. however i would like to thank u as well for giving me an experience of how all this kinda feelings started.. memories means the past to me.. so if u said it was a seperation then dun lie to urself any longer.. i'm all stressed out and i realised i knew the answer to my frustration from fridae.. from that dae i wanted veri much to cry but i didn't know wad was stopping me.. but i finally let myself out.. i needed her veri much at that time but i didn't call her cos i didn't want to disturb her.. she's dearly missed by me but i hope everything is fine for her.. brenda died on the 16/09/07 at 8.01p.m.. R.I.P And so it goes.. okay i admit that i got really angry the other night.. i switched off my phone and went to bed.. then on saturdae i failed to on my phone agn.. and i went out till 02+.. came back home and when i switched on my phone, u didn't even text me.. then i once agn off my phone.. then todae i finally switched it on.. the story goes on.. i'm starting to wonder if its a curse.. on saturdae morning, i took a penknife out from my drawer cos frustration got over me.. i did cut myself but i swear i dun wanna be EMO.. i just needed to vent my anger.. then when i went out, my bro's gf saw.. and i got scolded.. all i hope for is that it will heal before i get back to school on mondae.. i'm really troubled but got no one to turn too... pls tell me wad i shld do... shld i let go or hold on?? i'm really tired.. i can't take it anymore.. if i were to fail this test u gave me then so be it.. i noe i'm a loser anyways.. i nvr fail to give up.. izzit really that hard to understand wad i wan?? all i really wanted was someone there for me.. u gave me someone but nvr was he there for me once when i was down.. my life is totally fucked up.. And so it goes.. blood's gushing up my head.. anger and frustration caught up with me.. i wanna scream i needa cry... was i trying to play the bad guy or the good guy role.. A.C.K.L where have u guys gone too when i needed you the most!!! i'm still feeling frustrated now.. so frustrated i feel like killing myself.. when i told the jerk i downed cough mixture the last time, he said if i did it agn, he would get angry.. but this time when i told u i needa down cough mixture u actually told me it was up to me.. come on think it through fucker!!! do u even care for me at all.. cos this time round when i really needed u the most, u had me thinking.. sometimes i wonder if u really were an idiot or something.. is this the way u gonna treat me?? i seriously swear i hate u!! no one understands me at all.. i hate everything that is happening to me.. why of so many humans me!!!! what have i done to deserve this??? forever this FUCKED UP LIFE OF MINE and having no one to turn too.. 14-15/09/07 slept last nite thinking i could hold back all unwanted tears but i failed to do so cos as i woke up this morning i still am frustrated!!!!!! And so it goes.. the place i sitted todae for the whole dae in class made me feel so lost... felt like i was a nobody in some crowded place.. didn't feel the warmth at all.. it feels like i've got no one but my pencil case, pen, pencils & books.. turn to my left then to my right then to the front then to the back but saw no one that was gonna be there for me.. then endured the pain till recess.. heard from zann that they didn't like me.. they said cos during taf dunno when, i stared at them and rolled my eyes at them.. god!! damit i did no such things.. i don't even remember hating any of them.. forget it i noe i'm a loner in class & i'm always at fault... i kept waiting for 12.35 to strike and was thinking of her all the time.. went TM with her and her fren.. then had mos burger for lunch.. after that go walk walk then went home le.. in the bus we were like mad luhzx.. i kept laughing bout Mr Sin cos i went to his office for not going to sch.. his face was damit kuku.. cannot dun laugh.. so i tried to hold it till i almost exploded.. was supposed to go for an interview with her but then my brother send her there so she didn't need my company anymore.. nvm then.. i shall stay home and rot away..=) anyways todae during last period, loads of things happened and so mr rahim and zann quarrelled.. everything was reallli scary cos zann actually fought back.. she was sure daring.. then ended up after school she was crying.. and the story goes on.. to me i think its not only her fault.. but just dun wanna say cos i may be blamed for things i dunno agn.. better zip it.. =) and so i would like to conclude that i simply hate school.. ppl say that sch is fun cos u make alot of frens there and u can like spend most of ur time with them.. but its so not true cos i have no frens at all.. i hate it.. i hate everything that he changed bout the siting arrangment and so on.. i have no frens at all.. the class makes me feel not at home at all.. they make me feel like a forever new student.. not that i didn't try to talk to them but they avoid me like i have some kind of serious illness liddat.. sudar la.. i really veri malas nak layan each and everyone of them... i too need a break a full stop!! And so it goes.. went to the doctor ytd and got 2 days MC.. then heard from my girlfren that it was sin's idea to handle ppl who dun go to sch for a period of afew daes... she called me todae and she sounded like she was crying so i asked her wad had happened but she didn't want to say.. but in the end, she told me wad happened.. i wish i could be there at that veri moment to lend her my shoulder to cry on.. game over.. it all started with a game and now its over.. don't cry honey everything will turn out just fine.. i told u that the other time in the train and it did work out right?? anyways had been feeling super drowsy cos of the medicine.. so i shall sleep early and wake up for school tmr.. And so it goes.. this is just so unfair... i dun understand.. i only noe that i wanna give up now i wanna quit... i dun wanna study anymore.. but thinking back i've alr made it this far.. i dun like to study.. i can't get anything in my head... i cried as i said to my mum that its not my fault for being stupid... didn't attend school again todae as i'm realli sick.. not bluffing lerz.. nvm anyways my teacher called me then bloody hell he missed called me.. then i called back.. then he was like saying me.. say say say he say till like i skip sch for veri veri long.. NB!!! only 1 dae can.. then nvm... he say if i continue to skip sch he have gotta let the principal handle me.. wadever la huh.. i'm not the studying type.. if u wanna get me out of the sch then so be it... i don't give a shit!! and thats wad i can say.. i noe i can nvr walk out of here alive so i'm not bothered bout it at all.. studies are seriously crappy lerz.. And so it goes.. so dead cos i'm sick.. having fever and block nose and stuff liddat.. so not in sch todae... sure have no mood for exams... but its no longer prelims.. its N lvl's so no matter how sick, i still gotta be there taking the paper.. it concerns my future.. wherever u are pls gimme the strength to turn up for my paper.. would i walk out of here alive?? my hands and heart are getting colder each dae.. there seem to be ice growing ard my heart each and every single dae... i seem to miss the kinda feeling... she's wearing a mask towards me.. felt it long ago.. heart ain't bleeding for her anymore.. the other nite i read through all my post... and i realised they were abt the same till recently cos things changed for me sumhow.. then i realised how childish i was... and till now i'm still the same.. i asked for so many things.. i'm such a pain.. still can't change many facts... and so i was told to learn to accept it... life is full of ups and downs gotta learn to take it in its way... got lots of things to catch up so i'll be back blogging agn some other dae.. And so it goes.. everything was boring.. o8sep07 which was ytd, was my o1 month with that bloody fcker!!!! knn... i was supposed to meet up with him for dinner.. pls ppl normally have their dinner at places more classy.. not trying to say that i gotta go sumwhere high class but dun have to barget till liddat rite.. so when he called and ask me, i asked where we were meeting for dinner guess wad on earth he said... it was the most spastic ans i have ever gotten.. CENTRAL LOR!!! fucktard man.. how on earth did i get this kinda shit.. truth is there isn't any god ard cos i did say i wanted a guy but u gave me dunno wad nonsense.. wadever la hor.. sometimes i think of wad u asked me the other time.. u're his fren but u asked me wad i like bout him... i gave an ans of i dunno.. perhaps after much thinking i have nothing i like bout him at all... he's a spoiled bread who goes everywhere by cab when he always claims to have no money.. come on.. fact is he is so much richer then me... the word BORROW, has alr frightened me away cos each time he say borrow, my money just won't come back to me even when he have cash.. anyways back to the point... i rejected his offer to meet up cos he was so not gentlemen... then i texted joey to meet up with her.. i'd rather meet her then him lor seriously... so she was just so sweet... she could meet!!! that was so omg.. hahahs anyways so we met up at the traffic light and saw the sch doggie who always said hong gan!!.. hahahas and after that we went to 7-11 to grab drinks b4 heading to the blocks to slack.. there, we saw my sister's fren... they were like looking from far away then stood from far and asked if i was brina.. and i said no.. soon after, it was 10..30 and she had to go home so we walked out and saw them agn.. and they were like so cute.. they went like i'm sry bout just now cos u look exactly like my other fren... and so after that he said goodnite to me.. it was so sweet.. l0l then so we continued the walk home.. walked her to the lift then headed home... okie dokies i still have loads of homework to do but i haven't even started on any of them yet.. so dead but yet can't be bothered..=) And so it goes.. woke up at ard 1+ todae and went out in the evening... went out to meet mummy and auntie elaine for dinner... dinner was great then everything went on and on for hours before we bid farewell... we wanted to cab home but the taxi stand was packed.. so we took a train instead.. mad things happened in the train.. den... when we reached pasir ris, bri and i took 359 back.. on the journey back i saw someone i thought will be slacking at home.. but i was wrong.. then i msged that person.. and that bloody person didn't reply.. its like so wadever.. cos if that person were to forget some things then thats it... staying home realli sucks.. i need my addiction rite now.. starting to feel cranky and stuff.. and super suay cos todae is my 1st dae... crappy larhz.. anyways shall stop here for now.. so nitez to all my sweeties... brenda loves all.. oh my gosh... happened to re-login cos when i logout, then the someone msg me.. woots... not to be forgotten... yay!!!! anyways really gonna logout this time... i love u charlie!!!! And so it goes.. todae i went to sch for my EL papers... saw joey and actually blinked at her but in a friendly way that we always do... but think she saw it differently.. and so she got fed up i think.. anyways paper was great.. but then i did my last compo of paper 1 in pencil then rewrite the whole thing over agn.. and my hand was hurting like anything.. should be fetching pinky back todae i guess. nothing much so this shall be it.. chaoz.. And so it goes.. i'm still a dumb dumb in life... dun noe the road ahead of me... have yet to reach out for wad i wan and need... although i'm not there every week, but i can say i confirm still love u.. i noe u're with me still not giving up on me... i noe u believe i can!! i'll try my best no matter wad.. so far everything so good.. having everything still at the back of my head cos i just dun wanna think.. haven't been emo these daes.. and glad to say i haven't cried i guess.. todae was realli sucky cos i had my 1st paper then i had to go home wait till 1 then leave my hse agn and back to sch for my other paper.. it rained super heavily so i cabbed down.. am suppose to go over to sher's hse but am just not in any mood and feeling realli sleepy so shall go over tmr.. i still miss u alot.. cos i still dunnoe when u will be so kind to bring me back with u.. although at times i blame u and hate u but i need u cos u gave me my every heartbeat.. without u there's no me.. so take it to the back and think over.. am still trying to make it there bt if this is wad u wan then i will sure give up sumwhere.. am still thinking of u and i.. haven't got any plans.. so its another case sent to the back of my head.. & the last thing is daddy!!! u still haven't come visit me... noe how much i miss u??? just pop by my dream is also good... alridis shall disappear for now cos my eyelids are realli heavy... nite nitez to all.. and brenda loves brenda!!! =P And so it goes.. its been really boring without u.. and all i gotta say after ytd is i realli miss u alot... and todae is gonna be a long and stupid dae for me agn.. ytd the radio spoiled agn.. and so the nagging went on and on for hours... sitting there feeling helpless, i shut and kept real quiet.. i somehow still dun believe wad u said cos its like..... nvm.. wadever u wanna do i wish u luck.. i'm not in any mood now.. cos i needa _____ badly... feeling cranky... guess i'll blog tmr.. signing off... brenda.. And so it goes.. i went to sch den went to my granny's place then went back to primary sch... i miss her alot.. and guess she did too.. cos when she saw me she started crying.. she was so cute she said i love u to me.. MRS TAN BIAN I LOVE U!! AND U'RE THE BEST.. so after visiting, hazel and i left the sch.. she said she wanted to go to the minimart cos she veri long nvr see the uncle there alr.. so we went there and after that i walked her home before i went home.. after i got back, i got ready and ard 4.30 i went to meet my girlfren cos we had a date.. then we walked to whitesands, took MRT down to simei to get my phone for a hotel stay...=P den after that we took the wrong train so we sat back to pasir ris then back agn.. l0lx.. we went to marina and i bought a bottle from there.. its just too cute.. den from there we met up with alvin and company... headed for dinner at the food-court.. its been a long time since my girlfren and i went to a foodcourt to eat... and so from there we went to the esplanade and slacked there for awhile.. but my eyes got realli painful so we went back 1st.. we went back to pasir ris den went to 7-11 to grab drinks before we went to slack.. we left bout 10+.. walked her home den got myself back at home too.. didn't sleep well cos aircon was down and was not able to slp in peace.. and for now i gotta go study cos mondae i've got paper!!!! STUDY STUDY!!!! everyone taking N MUST JIAYOU!!!! YI QI DA DA QI...=P JIAYOU JIAYOU... yao jian chi dao di!!!!! |
вяєη∂α σηg яι тzєє♥ lesson #1, dont ever judge a book by its cover. 
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