i'll keep fireflies in a jar.

todae's paper was difficult...
crappy stuff!!!
hate this shit!!!!
not gonna get my damit only A1 at all...
everything ends here fer me!!!
stayed back after my paper as my teacher said he wanted to take up a LITTLE bit of time so he could tell us more about the science thingy...
what the hell he ended up talking a hold load of crap!!!!
then when we were all hot and tired, with our butt hurting like hell, he started to talk bout science...
lame shit!!!!
came out of sch with zann and headed fer the bubble tea shop..
one of this irritating guy thought he was so damn cool to call out fer his fren and telling him i was his gf cos fat fat dunno wadx fuck la!!!
but then i turned ard and stare hard at him...
he kept his big gap shut...
gosh i don't understand why this world just gotta have some uncivilzed ppl hanging ard...
they should just call it an end to their life's man....
well anyway i got to sch kinda late todae...
not late fer exams but just late fer sch...
my EZ link card got kept away by that bloody teacher...
collected it after sch and had to listen to a load of crap all over again...
my aiai was damn cute...
she wrote me a letter....
a short one but sweet...
she was so cute...
she told me bout what she went through and even told me that i could return to her...
but its just that what has ended, will nvr return to the way it was...
everyone seem to tell me i'm troubled and that they will lend me a listening ear...
gosh these ppl are just so sweet..
i nvr knew i got this kinda ppl in my life..
i can't turn back but i can't move on as it is rite now cos i noe the difficulty i'm having now...
i'm too huge to get it moving on as a normal life...
need him to save me or i swear i'll hate him ferever till the dae i die...

went out with my joanne jiejie todae..
we went out at 5 in the evening...
hehs it was simply great..
we went to plaza sing and went to spotlight...
after spotlight, we were feeling hungry so we headed over to sakae sushi....
we had our fill but the place there was too hot...
omg and i realised that i was too into soft toy...
i gotta change change change!!!!
we left sakae and headed back to plaza sing...
we went to a shop which sells really cheap stuff....
and i'm seriously feeling veri tired now so i guess i'll go catch some beauty sleep as tmr i got exams..
nitez to all..
and take care!!

i tried to ferget everything...
but u just pop up my head everytime..
alritez i lost...
i'm still trying to find out what went wrong after all..
cos i miss u!!
u're the one i miss the most..
i miss u so badly...
though i may be acting cold towards u, i'd still wish fer us to talk like in the past..
everyone was waiting fer us to fall out and we really did afterall...
i used to ask if we'll quarrel so badly and stuff..
u said perhaps we might...
its so true..
when u told me we might, i used to get veri worked up...
but everything's happening rite before my eyes..
i can't help but accept the fact that things turn out this way...
it felt like we've gone fer a battle and u've won everything..
and i've lost so much...
may i ask if u're happier this way????
are u happy now???
has ur wishes came true???
is this what u wanted??
well may i even ask if u missed me???
i need u...
i'm troubled...
sometimes i wished to go up to u and hug u and tell u i miss u...
but i can't....
u hate me....
i knew from dae one u hated me....
and now u've got someone special...
i can't be bothering u anymore..
when we walk pass one and other, i though u might just come up to me and tell me u missed me too..
and u'll tell me u've got so much to tell me...
does it even hurt u to see things turn out this way???
i feel like u're the only one i can turn too..
so many things that ppl don't understand bout me, u understand...
i regret not understanding u the way u wanted me to...
regretted alot of things......
well i noe we'll nvr be back together cos now u've got frenz who hate me to the core..
even if we're back together, u'll be so ashamed to have me as ur fren..
to me i swear that if we really walked back together, no matter what ppl are gonna say bout us, i won't bother...
brenda's bleeding but no one see's it....

wo mei you na zhong yong qi ler...
i feel veri lost...
i feel like this is worst then any other shit..
life is all about a game..
i've lost..
and being defeated i lye there not moving anymore...
so tired and sick of this world..
i wonder when will the dae come fer my turn...
wonder when my name will appear on god or the devils list..
i want so badly fer my name to be scribbled on their book...
i've lost everything...
now my mum is my enermy too...
i got no frenz and no love one's..
if only guys thought the same bout me like every other girl in this world..
what's the point of being happy when girls tell u that u're cute??
it only means that u're ugly but adorable...
i noe its only a game but it does not mean i can't be as hurt as i could be in real life...
ur life is so colourful alr wad more do u want???
u got frenz and u got figure....i've got nothing at all..
my life is then the one colourless....
why does everyone hate me???
how do i be irritating when i don't even noe u at all???
maybe cos fat = irritating, clumbsy and fucked up...
fat cannot means friendly, kind and sweet???
well i'm seriously not scary...
i love to make frenz but no one wanna be my fren..
haiz seriously a fucked up life of mine..
got no where to go...
no where to run and got no one to turn to...
messed up life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

todae sch was kinda fun...
time flies realli fast..
this morning we were all kinda nervous and scared...
cos we had phones in our pockets and we thought our class was gonna be picked fer spot check...
i had both phone and mp3 with me...
i wasn't that worried after all cos i was thinking if they realli wanted to confiscate it, i'll hand it over...
anyway we were really lucky cos we didn't have any spot check...
it was the 2 class nxt to ours....
we celebrated our form teacher's bdae todae after sch...
well i would once again wanna wish him a happy birthdae..
and may all ur wishes come true...
i was on my way back home just now when it rained...
i didn't stop walking though...
i walked all the way home and i got drenched...
it was kinda sucky but its alrights...
zann called my few minutes ago to ask if i wanna go over to her place where she worked...
i guess i won't be there though...
sorry...

well i've learnt that some things are better kept unsaid...
some things are meant to be secrets ferever...
sometimes i just feel like i'm not me...
sometimes i just dun wanna make myself think bout the past...
i noe although we quarreled, deep down u care alot fer me that's why i'm trying to adjust my timing so that i'll not have to bump into u....
it was drizzling this morning and u actually texted me...
well i gotta say i'm touched and thank u fer being concerned...
after all u're my mumziz so i'll have no reason to hate u...
so i gotta keep my big gap shut fer heaven's sake...
sometimes i wish to run away from home but i noe i'll still return...
so what's the point of making u worried????
false alarm???
thats rather lame and childish...
cos looking back, u've did so much fer us and still trying to do more fer us...
there's nothing more we could have asked fer...
at times i just wanna break down and ask myself who on this fucking earth am i living fer..
sometimes i just wanna scream it all out...
does anyone noe what i'm going through rite now??
does anyone noe how hurt i am fer being called a si fei zhi???
NO!!no one noe's how hurting that can get ...
its not like i wanted to be fat...
it isn't my wish to be fat either...
but my daddy and mummy are fat too..
so what have i gotta do if i'm after them...
it flows in the blood...
when u insulted me calling me a fat pig, did these words 'hurting ppls feelings' come across ur head???
i guess u just said it cos it popped up ur arse....
well i ain't trying to be mean but do u noe that when u called me that, look who's talking....
the pot calling the cattle black???
HA look urself in the mirror b4 insulting me the nxt time kidd...
sometimes i really don't understand why this kinda childish kids are ard me...
well if u read this, and feel like i'm saying ur fren, u can go ahead and tell everyone...
tell them i said them...
tell ur hubby i said about his frenz...
well girl, i'm seriously tired...
i wanted us to be back to where we were so badly but after all this shit has happened, i think we'll nvr walk back there together again..
no matter how i tried, no matter how much effort i tried to get u back into my dictionary, there will nvr be ur name written in my dictionary ever again...
the page which contained ur name, has been ruined....
i don't noe where our frenship went...
i don't noe what happened to us...
don't noe what i did....
don't noe what u did either...
perhaps all that has happened was my fault..
though it takes 2 hands to clap, i'll just bare all the consiquences...
cos u'll nvr be wrong and ur frens will all think i'm at fault too...
do u noe that when i confronted u, my eyes almost filled with tears and i almost cried cos looking back we didn't have to do this in the past...
when did frenship ended up to be enermies???
well i think i need time to cool down...
i wanted us to be back to our saturdae shopping and our marina square again...
our slacking at playgrounds and stuff but i guess we'll nvr be back there again...
just note that this girl writing her dear diary now is seriously hurt..
and her heart is bleeding non stop..
her tears flow like the tap of free flow.....
she tried veri hard to hold onto her frenship but the frenship just jing bu qi kao yan...
there's nothing much this girl here can do but watch her hand let go of this frenship that she tried so hard to keep...
this girl here thought of being nice and this is what she got in return fer being nice....
i thought i found another true fren but she actually told me that ferget bout this issue but if u really wanna settle things, down pull me into the picture...
this person will nvr noe how hurt i was when i saw all those words...
maybe i gotta accept the fact that i'm a loser and have no frens...
gotta walk this cold empty street alone while others have their clicks with them...
HURT is all i gotta say...

feeling veri tired already!!!!
sch was so so....
got science test todae...
and it wasn't easy at all...
but i gotta thank fadli cos he even bothered to ask me to study fer it...
cos i wasn't in sch ytd....
felt so sick so i stayed home...
well actually not true...i got out of the hse bt i was late alr so i made a turn and walked to my granny's place but my auntie was still at home so i made another turn and headed home...gosh i made a big mistake....i should have gone to sch despite being late...
and he was seriously damn sweet...
screwed up fer the science paper cos i've got not enough time to complete it..
but this morning a sch bus got punchured wheels so greenview boys were asked to help push the bus...
l0l that was hilarious....
cos its like they're there to study but in the end, they were there to do some shitty job...
haiz thought of staying back in sch with susie todae bt then she had extra classes so i went off 1st...
when i was about to leave sch, i bumped into that girl's sister and she actually waved at me...
it was so suprising...
but thank god she was nice....
came back home then realised that i'm all alone....
but its alritez cos at least i dun have her to fight with me over the com...
but dun now why i'm feeling veri tired...
guess i'll be off soon...
life fer me is still sucky and i'm still waiting fer the dae to come...
got nagged last nite and it was so sucky!!!!
blust my mp3 the whole of ytd nite....
and this morning my mp3 batt low...
all thx to her man!!!!
i have no idea whats her fucking prob!!!
well sometimes i don't really get it cos when i'm in the best of mood, some ppl just gotta make me fed up...
i don't noe what i did but all i noe is that as long as my consions are clear, i'm not afraid about what ppl have gotta say....
cos after all its they're BIG MOUTH and them....
can't be bothered bout this crap!!!!!
well go tell ur best fren that it wasn't me who ordered u to be with me...
infact, i already said it was gonna be alright...
JUST SOME BLOODY PPL WHO HAVEN'T GOT THE FACTS RIGHT AND GO ARD TELLING PPL COS OF ME, SO AND SO CANNOT SPEND TIME TOGETHER...
LAMERS CAN JUST FUCK OFF FROM MY LIFE!!!!
IF U DUN LIKE ANYTHING ABOUT ME, COME UP TO MY FACE AND SAY IT...
WHY HIDE IN YOUR TURTLE SHELL AND PRETEND U'RE THE GOOD PERSON!!!
I DUN CARE WHO U ARE....
DUN CARE WHO UR GUY OR GER IS...
IF U SAY ME AND THATS NT THE TRUTH THEN I'M BLOODY HELL GONNA GET THE FACTS OUT OF UR FUCKING ASS!!!!
I DON'T CARE IF U'RE READING IT OR NOT...
DUN CARE IF I'M TALKING BOUT UR BEST FREN OR NOT!!!
JUS RMB TO TELL UR FREN TO WATCH OUT FER HER OWN BUTT B4 SHE LOOK OUT FER OTHER'S......
JUST FUCK OFF LA YA!!!!!
PHEW FUCKING ANGRY WITH THIS KINDA PPL....
IF I HAVEN'T GOT INTO UR WAY, DUN GET INTO MINE...
COS TRY MESSING WITH ME BITCH!!!
I'M NO LONGER THE BRENDA I USED TO BE SO TRY TO PLAY ARD WITH ME..
WHEN I GIVE U HELL, I DUN GIVE A SHIT!!!
DUN BE SENSITIVE AS TO THINK I'M TALKING BOUT U ALSO...
COS I'M NOT POINTING INTO UR FACE AND SAY HEY LOOK I'M TALKING BOUT U!!!
i wanna thank susie anyway...
she was really sweet...
she's my sweetie and my aiai!!!!!
weets!!!susie i simply hearts u girl!!!
take care...
<3 brenda =P

well i made a change and made something special todae....
23 april is a dae i made a new change in my life..
l0l not a boyfren but another thing...
ask me and i will tell u personally...
its not that i was trying to avoid u but its just that i don't noe how to face u...
nono not how to face u just dun noe how to start a topic cracking with u...
thats all...
met susie after sch and chilled with her in sch till 6 before returning home....
we talked alot.....
and we seem to have endless topics to talk about.....
cool....
feel like cutting my hair bt then don't noe wad to cut....
hahas bt then zann suggested that i cut bob....
err i think i'll think twice...
but thz fer the suggestion...
haiz feeling super bored but guess so much i gotta say fer now so yuppz
bye ppl...
tag me kkaes...
take care..
<3 brenda

gosh whats wrong with me???
nothing got into my head when i was trying to study jus now....
science was difficult...
damit and exams are just ard the corner...
maybe not corner...
its next mondae...
i'm not gonna do well fer sure if i dun buck up....
my world seems to shut its door behind me...
complete darkness fills my life...
oh god is the world really coming to an end????
seems like everyone's having flashbacks....
my life's completely ruined.....
all gone...
mistakes were all made....
now i see no more path infront of me...
i don't noe what my nxt step will be...
i don't know how to walk anymore....
i'm so messed up i can't even find myself......
i used to at least be able to sketch out a little part of me but now its blank...
no matter how i scribble, draw, scream, cry or laugh, no one is able to see me...
so do i...
i can't see myself either....
i'm not emo i'm just seriosuly unable to find me...
i'm getting anxious cos i dun noe where i went...
my condition is getting from bad to worse...
i don't noe where to start in life anymore...
don't have choices anymore...
screwed up!!!!!
totally messed up my own life not knowing what i've done....
no one seems to ever be there fer me....
i've no frens and got no one who seriously care bout me....
i don't know who to turn to fer help...
i'm totally shut out of this world....
its spinning its way round me but i no longer feel a thing......
i don't know how i'm feeling right now....
perhaps i'll nvr talk to anyone anymore..
perhaps i've totally shut myself out from everyone.......
perhaps i'll nvr be who i realli am...
perhaps i've been possesed....
i dun noe what i want wad i need and what realli strikes me.....
i want someone to be there by me and fer me...
to love me and nvr hurt me...
but i'll nvr find someone who can accept me who i am....
perhaps i'll nvr be accepted..
perhaps i'm fated to be alone..
to suffer alone..
to walk this path alone...
as a little girl, all i wished fer was just to be normal and be like all the other girls..
but my wish will nvr come true...
i'll nvr be the one i wanna be...
i'lll be ugly duckling fer life????????
when will my life be like a flower or worm....
when will i bloom beautifully like the other flowers?????????
when will i be the most beautiful butterfly????
i'm trying my best can't anyone tell????
can't anyone see that i'm alr trying???
its just that i made the effort but nothing changed......
when will things start to change???
when will i be loved??
when will i be in the lime light???
why do i have to be always at the backstage...
am i realli not worth a single thing to anyone????
do i realli have to resort to such things????
life's not as simply as it seems....
i'm far beyond savage....
perhaps no one will ever be able to save or help me...
i'm too heavy fer changes....
i'll nvr make it i guess..
i saw a moth fly and fell dead infront of my eyes....
izzit trying to tell me that my life is gonna end in the same way?????????

Went to the vet...
brought my dog to the vet in the morning...
got my cousin to accompany me there...
so i went to her sch to pick her up before heading down to serangoon...
when i was in the cab, i recalled the times where my brother gf needed to go the the doctor, u went along with us and from there, in the nite, i had a last minute chalet and u were there with me and for fer me....
i drank and vomitted...
u were also there fer me...
u comforted me...
i got hungover the dae after and u were there too..

Flashbacks...
i noe i'm hurt so badly rite now.....
only i can feel the pain...
dun u feel a pinch at all???
i'm seriously having flashbacks....
help...
flashbacks are painful....
i talked to him and told him i was having painful flashbacks..
and he told me time heals all wounds....
i agree with him but i told him there will be a scar attached to it ferever no matter wad..
and so he agreed with me too....
whenever i see those pictures we snapped together, i would think bout the happy moments we shared together...
and i'll stare at the pictures and start to cry...
i seriously rmb that i told u i nvr wanna fall out with u...
bt why are u making this happen now???
it isn't my wish come true at all...
is it yours????
perhaps and perhaps not....
i'm not u so i dun noe wad u're thinking or wad's going through ur head now...
maybe u ain't thinking at all...
but when i can't slp i dun noe why our friendship will float to the top of my head....
and i'll start to think bout what went wrong between the both of us and stuff...
i'm bleeding deep down in me...
do u see it??
well i guess u don't...
i tried my best to make myself as tired as i can be...
so i dun think...
but i can't help it..
at times while i was trying to make myself busy, there were lots of times when i recalled having u in the picture...
like when i settle my books down and study, i recall the times when we hang out after sch to study....
when i stayed home, i recall times when we were getting ready and out of the hse we go...
when i walk alone, i rmb times when i was late and told u to go ahead 1st but u stood there waiting fer me...
i just wanna rmb all the happy moments...

Getting hurt over and over again...
i'm once again getting hurt by all those idiots....
but each time i'm being hurt, i just dun learn my lesson...
i'll go back to square one...
if u say u dun mind, i can tell...
so stop the rubbish....
no matter how they hurt me, i'll nvr be les cos wadeva i have they have too...
and does not mean if i'm a les i dun get hurt....
its the same....
the moment i fall fer a guy, i'll noe my own ending....
thing is when i dun like the guy, he'll say that he'll wait fer me no matter wad but when i fell fer him, its all over....
wad kinda life am i leading???
i told myself countless times...
no matter wad goes wrong hold it there stay strong...
but i can't help but falling into their traps...
its jus so loving...
but its all just a fairy tale...
it was nvr true..
and till now i still haven't woke up...
when will the time come when one will be true to me??
when will the day come when i love him and he love me too?
when will the dae come when i will nvr fall out with anyone???
when will my life change???????
when will things start to change and happen??
when will it take effect?
after i die???
why must i suffer???
why have i gotta be put through this pain?????
why are things getting worse??????
why do i get hurt over and over again??
why can't u just end my pain??????
so i have to take my 1st move to get closer to heaven???
how do u want me to end it??
taking pills????
getting knocked down???
jump down??
get shot down????
i tried pills, but each time this happens, i only got overdosed....
when i wanna walk all the way to the highest floor,
i'll start to think if i do it and dun die, i gonna get locked up behide bars...
but if i make it, my mum will be in pain....
athough she'll be the only one to grave over my death...
like my teacher said...
they will be sad bt it'll be a matter of time when they move on and no longer grave over u...
but only have u in their hearts thats all...
there isn't alot of things i can't let go...
but i'll nvr say i dun have cos the 1st thing i can't let go of is my baby girl twinkle...
she's the one i took care of since young...
the other one is my mum...
they're the two things i can't let go........
i'm in pain bt i try my best to put up a strong front like nth ever happened....
but i can't take it anymore...
i broke down over and over again...
i realli have no idea when will sunshine be back...
and when will my rainbow be back...
and when my colours will be back...
pls love me fer who i am...
i murdered my toys mummy....
and i'm feeling blood thirsty....
catch me if u can....
LEAVE ME ALONE FER NOW!!!!
once i lost myself, i got 2 choices..
find the peron i used to be or lose that peron completely...
thing is we dun need to know each other to love each other...

i'm through with this crap i'm getting....
so done with it...
i wanna be me...
i'm scary yes i am...
so i gonna get as scary as i can get..
if any of u can't take it dun blame me...
cos the good part of me jus can't shine anymore...
i've went back into the dark cave to hide....
stop nagging at me...
i swear i will turn crazy...
and if i realli turn mad dun blame me...
it was u who made me wad i gonna be....
so dun u ever regret...
i dun noe wad got into u....
but i thank god cos i got my mp3 with me or i sure turn crazy faster...
when i do it, u shut the hell up without saying a word bt when i didn't do, u'll nag ur way through...
is this wad u realli wanna see me end up to be??
oh god bless me...
father i've sinned...
i toold my fren that if i died, no one will noe..
and therefore no one will be at my funeral wake....
and if u were there, u would nvr have cried...
and if u did, it was forced out....
to think i can think of such things rite....
the other time u nagged at me and stood there staring at me, i saw...
bt i ignored...
i noe i was bad by doing that but i din't have a choice...
i didn't wanna turn crazy...
hey look if u dun stop this crap, i swear i will rebell...
i will change....
and a drustic change....
a irreplaceable change...
a change thats easy to change bt hard to change back...
look and ask urself and see who's the one tryin to quarrel with u....
talking back to u is wrong but is scolding fer nothing right??
when i'm not in the wrong and when i did nothing at all, u jus wanna get me worked up right??
well wad can i say, u're always right....
and no matter wad i do, i'm wrong...
why now??why why why???
can't i do my Ns 1st...
this was not the life u were living brenda...
it used to be miserable but now its worst...
u're in trouble brenda...
in deep shit and i look down on u too....
u're a bloody loser brenda....
ur life jus sux....
and u're jus a frenless chap...
u dun have a life brenda!!!
brenda i can't believe u did this...
can't believe u were such a toopid pig...

i finally remembered wad i wanted to get...
i went to white sands with my fren and got my dye....
went over to my granny's place to get my things done...
my aunt insisted on walking me home..
so walked back and in the end walked her back together with my sister's company...
life's still sucky....
class was bored....
i'm still sick....
still at the bottom of no where....
still unable to find myself....
still feeling as restless as before....
and stop calling me ur dear girl cos u noe i ain't ur best fren anymore...
i noe u can feel it sumhow too...
if their ur best fren go ahead...
dun come to my face and tell me u still miss me..
and dun tell me u miss going to sch with me....
cos i noe that its just drama....
even if its not, i won't buy them anymore....
when i wake up, i go to sch alone trying to fight my tears...
cos i seriously miss those times goin back with u...
when the sch bell rings, and its time when everyone run out of the sch or hang ard meeting up in groups, i dun noe where to go...
and got no where to run....
i walk as fast as my heels could bring me and just walk out of the sch....
got no one to turn to if i felt like laughing...
got no one to turn to if i ever felt like crying...
can't stop walking even if my legs realli hurt till i felt like crying........
cos if i ever did, ppl will think that i was a mad girl....
now i'm alone all alone....
got no frens...
no one at all...
not even a good fren...
i'm gaining and losing them all in one nite..
my life's like playing the stake...
its like u got up and down....
got times when u gotta let go...
i learnt and i lost everything in jus one nite....
i lost everything dearest to me...
and thats my good fren...
i miss her...
i realli do...
when i walk home alone, i'll think of her...
and i'll recall the times when we walked the path together...
walking, laughing, feeling sad and happy all together...
when i walk to sch, i remember those times when i walk to the trafic light and wait fer her...
we would go late together, joke on the way to sch and talk bout wad happen the nite before...
but things went missing in jus one nite...
i lost everything...
i lost her too...
i miss her voice, miss her laughter....
miss everything bout her...
but she is nvr coming back to me...
that i noe and i dun blame her...
i blame myself....
so u noe hw much pain i'm going through now??
i'm in hell!!!!
when i reach sch early, i ask myself why am i there so early....where am i gonna go to kill my time???
how was i gonna survive till we essemble????
i turn and look to my left and right trying to find u....
but i couldn't seem to ever see u....
then i finally woke up and told myself that i'll nvr have u in my life ever again...
i kept asking myself...
why can't this shit happen after my Ns??
why can't we be close ferever???
why gotta betray me time and time again...
why gotta hurt me once and once again??
what have i done??
why is this happening to me??
when i was a little girl, i used to ask my mum if i was her daughter....
asked till she got real fed up with me...
but i can't help it...
i felt like i was picked up from the rubbish dump...
and i felt that the 2 other B's were my step sister and brother.....
cos they could use everything they could find but they will nvr wash it...
and i end up doing everything...
i feel so much like cinderaller...
but its jus that her life was colourful...
but i have no hope...
not more then her..
cos i didn't have a figure...
i am fat... fat to the core!!!!
sad and fucked up life!!!
i realli wanna end it but i wanna do it in a nice way....

no one could ever imagine how i felt....
i felt like an idiot this morning...
standing fer the whole one period was hell...
i was standing all alone in the class when everyone was stitting down....
well cos i didn't have a mc with me...
so hell was there fer me...
so much so fer being a dumb dumb...
i wanted to get something from white sands so i got a fren of mine to go over with me...
we went there, she got her things and i still couldn't rmb wad i wanted...
then when i reached home, i remembered that i wanted to bye dye....
gosh i seriously am getting a bad brain damage....
i ain't gonna recover.....
sometimes thinking back, i still can't try even when i'm alr trying my best to stay a loner...
at times i still want a partner..
although i try to tell myself that it'll be alrite...
its seriously not alrite...
i'm still not getting my life back..
fine i noe i'm a loser afterall...
i cried and i swear i did...
i was chatting on msn last nite and infront of the com, i cried...
it was like free flow of mountain due.....
it jus ran down my cheeks...
i don't noe wad i realli am...
no one's ever gonna saave me from this hell anyway....
i'm too much fer any kind soul to help perhaps...
i was always in the wrong nvr fer once rite...
i still am wrong up till now??
i don't noe!!!!!
i need the wall!!!!
i need to see blood ozzing out from me before i noe i'm gonna be sad!!!!!!
gonna be down down down to the bottom of no where....
i'm hurt.....
hurt so badly i'll nvr heal...
the wound will heal but the scar will remain ferever.....

i realized that in this world i have no frenz...
no one at all...
i play tea time with my toys...
when teatime come, i play with molly and dolly...
they are my only frenz...
and when they are gone, i miss them...
and there's nothing i can do bout it...
and the only thing that i'll hope fer is that i get new molly and dolly...
i click well with devils kid , spirits, angels, cupids and imortals
i'm waiting fer more new frenz....
i made the wall, chairs, table and everyother thing u can think of my fren..
my life's fucked up...
mixed up....
and of cos messed up!!!!
i now go to sch alone and go home alone too...
when time come's i'll walk alone....
talk to myself....
listen to myself...
ppl say the world is coming to and end...
and i asked if i could leave earlier b4 the world even come to and end....
i wasn't realli given aa answer...
so perhaps i can...
my another fren taught me the word ' wang en fu yi'
and i thought it came in handy...
in my life,, there wasn't colour at all i cannot complete my rainbow colouring at all!!!
i wan my rainbow...........
why must everyone deprive me of my little rainbow?????
this world is realli werd...
and its getting more and more weird...
i'm starting to feel more and more afraid then before....
but i got a fren who told me my life was still alrite cos her life is worse...
bt then look i see things black and white....
i'm sad and when i look up into the sky, its still black and white...
tell my how ok my life can get???
even when i'm down, i've got no one...no body at all!!!
look at things from another point of view....
i've lost my heart beat...
my frens took it out from me and tore it up.....
there's a heart bt a ice made one...
gotta be careful cos its fragal....
gotta handle with care...
i bleed easily....
i have no one..
and i'm weird...
i'm lost..
missing!!!!
dead..
gonez...
i'm scary...
and i'm scarying the hell out of everyone and anyone...
i got good news...
i'm officially mad....
went mad on the 18th of april 2007...wednesdae...
i went mental...
brenda's dead...
she's mad...
she's gone..
may she die in peace...
help i'm lost hold my hand and promise nvr to let go...
pls...hold me tight....
i'm crying i swear....i walk and i have no one to turn too...
i'm walking all the way straight and no matter how i turn, i can't find myself still...
i was scared at 1st my heart was pumping bt it was painful and starting to bleed alr...
so i stopped...
and now when i can't fine myself, my heart ain't pumping as fast as ever...
its not tt i'm not scared but there's nothing i can do and no one i can turn too...
i'm possesed...
i swear...
i swear and i swear it all over again....
my head hurts.....
i can't take it....
my brain's bursting out of my head...
and i wanna go get some rest...
i'm realli tired and i jus wanna close my eyes...
close and nvr open it ever again...

<3 the bleeding brenda fer who she is...

well todae realli sucked!!!
the last 3 periods was hell!!!
got scolding from mr nazir....
and zann got shouted at by him....
well wad can i say??
the class T realli wasn't nice at all..
it was simply ugly!!!!
sat with alvin and company during recess this morning...
it was boring but i helped him copy his work....
was kinda cute cos when i called him, he would turn and say sry...
hahas me and naresh laughed at him but wad to do he was too into gaming....
i think me and kel are like logger heads...
cos we would sumhow quarrel with each other...
but its a frenly one...
kkaes but afterall i still fine tt to me he is cuter...
argh!!!
tmr is my dooms dae...
dun noe if i should go fer that bloody sports dae...
gotta cab down again like wad the hell!!!!
nvm i have 1 dae to think bout it!!!
i'm feeling kinda wishy washy now...
cos i can't make up my mind....
haiyo if u were there fer me and with me, i'm sure u'll make a choice fer me....
anyways thats all fer now....
take care ppl!!
<3brenda..

oh ya another thing that pop up in my head....
jus wanna say thanks to u fer helping me burst my bill and walking outta my life....
hahahs and now i'm left with 108++ to pay fer my bill...
realli tryin to crack my brains out to pay my bill...
haven't thought of a way yet!!!
hahas!!
fucker all thanks to u man!!!
simply noe how much of a sucker u are....
wad to do???
gotta test out the water before u noe if its cold or hot....

phew todae was kinda alritez...
slept in the afternoon ytd all the way till this morning...
hahas such a piggy ritez...
cos i didn't sleep from sat nite all the way till sundae....
hahas i seem to be in sch getting closer to 1 person...
everydae i go to sch, i come back with 1 new fren...
but its not tt i dun noe them in the past...
its jus tt we're getting closer....
seriously i miss the old u....
where did the old u go???
its missing..
and i'm missing it!!!
i used to think we will nvr be too far away from each other...
but u noe wad we're drifting apart...
can't u see??can't u tell???
but u know wad??
i'm not les but i can't help but miss u!!
miss those daes...
stop fer heaven sake...
no more excuses pls...
u know i hate it!!!
dun like means dun like...
dun wan means dun wan!!!
stop trying to come up with lame and stupid ways to escape....
i'm not the type who will say i dun care u better go with me or i shoot u dead...
dun u realise that i'm changing??
or rather have changed??
cos i felt changes....
and i knew nothing i do will help...
ppl do change noe??
rmb how close we used to be with her??
and look where is she now???
rmb those daes when they dun like u and how close i was with u??
think u probaply dun noe or dun care....
do u noe that u're hiding alot from me??
i noe i'm not attached so i ain't as impt as the rest of ur frens who are attached too..
but wadeva...
u went out!!
and when i asked u, u said no i can't even go out....
that was the best answer u could gimme....
and i am fine with it man!!!
thanks fer doing all this to me...
maybe its true i nvr learn from my mistakes...
and i fall into it again and again....
thats me i guess...
the me which is hard to change....
love u guys....
thanks susie fer walking me home...
she's another sweet girl...
we slacked in sch till 3+ before we make our way out of sch...
we walked to sumwhere where near my hse and talked till 5+...
hahas while chatting, we saw pei jing and she sat there to talk to us fer awhile....
and she thought we were waiting fer her...
hhas she's cute too...
and becoming more girly le...
hahas exchanged number and her bdae is ard the corner...
26 april!!
hahas...
she even hinted to us....
alrites so much i gotta say....
tata...

i'm realli feeling damn sleepy....can see the how tired i am??l0l!!!

hahas got nothing better to do so took a few pics...

can't u tell that i'm trying to run away from the light??

trying my best to but i jus can't run away from it.....

dun noe if i'm fated to be god's little child instead....

we ain't perfect...
so stop tryin to perfect urself....
its not gonna work...
i hate this shit!!!
can u pls stop it????
its not touturing...
it irritating!!!!
i swear....
oh my gosh i haven't slept since last nite....
from 14th april to 15th aprl morning and still holding strong.....
hahash so bored!!!!
am tired but can't get to sleep...
if i said i'm still missing u up till now do u believe in me????
if i said i was still thinkin bout u would u believe?????
if i said i am suffering rite now would u believe???
if i said i was gonna die would u believe???
i doubt so....
cos i got a strong feeling u dun care...
wrong i should put it in another phrase....
u don't give a damn!!!!
argh!!!
why must this happen to me?????
i'm messed up!!!
dunno what i want and the dae is coming...
its reaching....
its getting nearer and nearer....
i'm afraid.....
bt i got no one to tell this too....
i'm scared....
so afraid to face it alone....
afraid i would stumble upon myself even before reaching there....
afraid that i will nvr make it so far.....
if u are realli there fer me then proof it to me...
help me...
save me from this hell!!!!
let me noe that u're fer real!!!!

gosh!!!!
damit having a headache rite now!!!
dunno wads wrong either....
said she wanna spend the nite out bt then ended up coming home....
it would be damn nice to be alone at home fer once...
even if i dun die, i gonna go crazy alr.......
argh!!!!!
i wanna scream my lungs out wanna cry!!!
waanna get out of this fucking place since no one wants to go out...
fine u all dun wanna go rite so stay den!!!
i shall leave!!!!
fuck can't stand it anymore.....
can nvr be left alone not even fer 1 minute of my life....
why do u all have to bother bout the life i'm leading????
dun u guys skip sch too?????
why when i'm not in sch, u wanna fucking act like u were a good student before?????fuck off man....
go get urself a life before trying to care bout mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i wanna be alone!!!!
can u all jus grant me my wish?????
wanna be like in the past where i can jus be alone at home.....
can't u go back to work????
i miss those time...
realli...
seriously i'll be grateful if u all jus leave me alone........
i dunno why am i crying dunno why is there tears running down my cheek.....
i'm down but i dunno the reason...
i'm in pain too....
i need someone.....
need help....
i dun even have my own room....
if i quarrel with her, i'm dead...
i dun have a place...
i'm nt welcomed here...
why dun u jus understand????
i dun even have frenz....
no one welcomes me to their circle of frens....
maybe i only got her but she can't go out..and she got her own group of frens too...
i dare not ask her but i dun have anyone to turn too alr...
but then the answer were still the same...
but i dun blame her cos i understand....
if only i got frens who can stay out...
if only i learnt to make new frens...
but no one wanna be frens with me...
maybe i'm too gigantic to join in bahz....
gotta accept that this is the life u want from me...
thanks man!!!u wanna torture me rite....
fine....
anyway i alr gave up on my life alr..
so go ahead..
torture fer all i care....
i'm devil's little baby!!!!

i had a dream....
no i think its more like a nightmare.....
i dreamt that my sister and I went to a girls home...
not knowing what the reason was....
my sister got into a depression and started to pretend to fly....
and she cut her finger to add colour to her drawing......
afterwhich alot of other thing happened...and we were only left with a night to pack our things before the nxt dae came and it was the day we had to be at the girls home.....
we at our grandma's hse.....
and when we reached the girls home, we had to take a seat first...
so i asked my sister fer how long will she be in a girls home...
then she answered 'about a month'...
so i asked her what about me...
then she said 'think u gotta stay fer 3 months...
fergot was it 3 months or 3 years....
then i felt tears roll down my cheeks....
my breathing was kinda hard...
i was trying to control myself...
but i couldn't...
why was it that i stayed longer then her when i was better then her....
l0l but it was a dream....
it was scary.....
but after which, i woke up....
omg to think i slept all the way till 4....

this pics were taken some time back....

dunno why i jus can't get enough of this little priness of mine....hahas she's damn cute!!!!

sian i took a pic and i saw an angel fly pass me but my bloody sister deleted my pic....

that's me and my baby twinkle..she look so tired....and fer haven't sake tell me which dog drinks milo????l0l...she's drunk after drinking milo.....

felt super bored so i snapped quite a number of pics with my pretty, sexy little girl...

not in sch again todae....so damn tired man....dunno whats wrong with me anymore...i go to sch as and when i like bt this is not the way to do things cos its my last year alr....seriously dunno what went wrong with me....my mids are ard the corner but i still do this....i'm on the wrong track....so wrong......i can't make it!!!!i'm dead!!!!i can't do maths can't do science...i can oni do english...how??????????die ar...........dunno what the fuck happened with my mum too....quarrelled with her ytd too.....she shouted at me and started to nag and nag and nag....dunno wad the fuck she wan also...feeling veri stressed now....when i'm stressed i tend to be tired...can't handle stress perhaps....haiz dunno wads wrong with everybody dunno why this is happening to me...dunno dunno dunno...can't be bothered but things are all hanging ard me...how not to care???someone teach me pls....and then tt idiot keep looking fer gf.....doesn't he know how to cherish at all???dumb dumb....hate HIM to the core....whats wrong with us???all ends here???girl where are u man....i'm lost....save me?????u've disappeared too...i miss u....i'm hurt i need u....no one i can pour out my feelings too accept u.....i wanna cry but its all stuck to my chest....its to the top where i cannot hold or handle anymore...but i dun noe how.......i'm not les but i jus cherish and i cherish our frenship alot....i dun noe why although we quarrel, u show attitude i can't stand, i will still like u veri much.....u're the only one i can share my probs with and now u're gone i realli dunno what to do...things are all spinning ard me...i gonna go mad soon!!!!!!ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate this world...hate the one who brought me to this world.....hate the one who put me into my mum's womb............i'm leading the worst life i can ever think of......why can't i be normal???why can't i be a rich girl???????why can i not be what i always wanna be??????????????????????????????i gonna go crazy alr.............perhaps when i go mad i'll do stupid things.....HAIZ!!!!simply cos no one understands me...mummy some kor kor out there told me i can fly like superman......wanna fly wanna fly aw3ay from my pain...from my sorow and from my problem....gonna get sleeping pills from the doctor soon...fer thoes who noe me they will noe tat if i dare say i dare do....i need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<3 brenda.......

fuck todae realli sucked....
went to the stadium at 12 and it was pouring so heavily....
got caught in the rain...
stupid shit man!!!!!
at the stadium,a group of us help with the stopwatches....
was kinda fun but our ass hurt like fuck i swear...
stayed till 4++ as it was still raining and jus got home...
sent geraldine back 1st....
and she is another cutie man i swear....
feeling veri tired now think this is all i gotta say fer todae....so yuppz......

<3 brenda...=)

i went out with yun chun todae...
went over to her place to wait fer her to get readi....
she took like ferever...
then from there we walked over to my place to get readi...
we made a deal todae too...
she asked me to msg her bt then she nvr pass me her number....l0l....
she's cute...
i swear....
i thought after so long we will be better...
we will talk nicely bt then ended up u showed attitude still...
i dunno how we can talk to each other anymore...
u are realli my bestie but if this is wad is gonna happen over and over again, i dunno how...
sorry..........
but i'll try again cos i wanna be bestie with u no matter wad...
i dun care....
hahas anyway sucker u can fuck off from my life alr..
cos i noe this kinda things will nvr last..................
end of this month here i come....
hahas so sian gotta stay back tmr till so late...
and gotta be in the sun the whole dae...
wad the hell!!!!!
gonna be at Tampines stadium tmr so sian!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
argh!!!!but anyway i not gonna go fer sports dae i think....
i dun care bout the class man!!!
they are not giwer with me also wad so why should i bother....
but gottta see how things appear 1st...
see if i can wake up early....
dun wanna go down by cab alr...
have been taking cab to sports dae every year and still i'll be late...
so why waste my cash and time....
lamers pls try to fuck off thanks....
hahas dunno why this daes i seem to be happier....
no longer thinking why i dun have my better half alr...
maybe i can be as happy as well...
i dun need a guy to live perhaps...
if i kept thinking that without a guy i would have died, i would have passed away a long time ago...keke...
so much i gotta say fer todae...
no longer missin you...
so u can fuck off thank u so much....

<3 brenda....=P

thanks man....u've let me seen the real u....seen through u....if not fer jus now i would be kept in the dark to think that ur prepaid was realli low....seriously i would like to thank u man....if not fer u as well i wouldn't be able to see the fact...i'm relieved now!!!i think i gotta go back to concentrate on my studies alr...no more thinking bout u alr...a billion thanks are not enough....anyway i've set my mind alr...i not gonna worri bout relationship problems at all...i not gonna be in a relationship at all anyway...cos i noe no one likes me and tts all rite....keke i gonna be fine...thanks joseph...thanks fer making me worried thanks fer making me think of u thanks fer making my cry but best of all thx fer letting me see the real u..even if no guys like me or don't pick me out from the rest of the dolls, i'll still be very happy...trust me...cos i love me...i love myself...fer once brenda is saying she love herself so be happy fer her too....off to sch tmr...gotta be in sch...keke...sch sch toopid sch here i come...another 4 months more to struggle oni...

<3brenda...

sharks!!!wad the hell....now then i recall i got coursework in sch...its my N lvl's exam...if i dun have a MC then i'm dead and i realli dun have one...i'm certified dead now....gosh...i dun noe wad i gonna do man....oh my i haven't even finish typing the damn thing...this time round no one can save me alr...i'm plain dead..no point crying over spilt milk......nvm i think i go back to sch tmr to rush it all out....gotta go sch tmr...otherwise i can prepare to die alr....sharks man!!!how can i ferget such a thing????argh!!!!!dead dead dead....

<3 brenda...
brenda's dead...
may she die in peace...
amen....

crap i'm outta sch again todae....seriously have got to pause and think bout wad i realli want...is skipping sch all that i realli wanted???but its that i couldn't wake up...they tried to call me up when i said i didn't wanna go...my mum nagged at me...but who give's a shit...i was sleeping....and now i'm havin a damn bad cramp...why can't sch start a little later???i tried my best to wake up as early as possible alr...tried to speed to sch as fast as my shoes could carry me....fuck!!!!i'm nvr fer once perfect...when i do things right no one seemed to ever praise me but when i do things wrong i get hell a crap.....sharks man....simply hate the life of mine....why does some ppl's life jus lead so happily ever after???i wish i was a rich girl...wished i was as pretty as pretty can be... wish to be as cute as cute can be....wish to have the figure...wish to be as rich as rich can be....wish to have a happy faimily...wish to be as perfect as perfect can be...how many times have i gotta say this shyt man...MY LIFE'S SERIOUSLY MESSED UP!!!!SO MESSED UP I CAN'T EVEN FIND MYSELF....CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHERE I'VE GONE...seriously need someone to help find me back...thinking back i nvr had a dae when i was seriously all outta have fun....i nvr had a dae i could laugh all the way...i would have broken down at some parts of the dae...miserable me...no one to rescue me...

<3 brenda

my bestie and i can nvr get along again as close as before i guess...she got her's while i lost mine....if i promise to let go will u come back???i promise nt to hold onto it ever again...a second chance???i'll show up when u call perhaps???another month befor my exams....worried i won't do well....been thinking of u almost everydae...looking at my phone every moment, every minute and every second.... but there nvr has been any mails from you....i nvr received msges from u anymore...not even a miss call...what do i do when i realli need u by me???i knew this sort of things will sure happen but i tried to deceive myself....best of all i'm dead....i'm nvr gonna conceentrate this way....boi i miss u....misses are all i gotta say to u....now i hardly sit infront of the com alr...i'll hide myself in the room...thinking of u...thinking of when ur love was true...thinking bout everyword u told me...thinking if wad u said were true...thinking of every single thing.....i can't take it no more...i gonna burst...but i dun have the courage to call u....dun even dare text u...all i can do is set my phone by me every minute and every second...nvr taking it off my side....jus to wait fer u to text me...waiting fer u to call me...wanna hear u again....wanna have u back by my side...nvr gonna be happy without u.....seriously no one knows what i'm going through or wad i'm fighting deep down inside me....my world's black and white too...its nvr coloured...jus waiting fer the rite one to bring color to my life...but i guess that will nvr happen...so wad if i ever like someone i gotta tell him???nvr i will nvr make the same mistake again...although i didn't tell that guy i fell fer him he eventually knew and he avoided me......so much i gotta say....HAIZ!!!!saded life i got....bleeding on the inside of me...hoping someone could heal me....

<3 brenda...=(

thinking back i don't know if i made the right choice to tell u all those things...i ain't sure of it myself but the thing that i'm sure of is that i dun wanna lie to u ever again that's why i mend my ways and told u everything bout me that i didn't tell u before...u said u will not go away...u said u were too old to run away...but u're only 18 so that means u will run?????i don't know but i miss u alot...baby will u come back???or does all this things end here??the other one left me then the other one then the other one then it all left one after another...are u gonna do the same as well??why must all this happen to me why hurt me this way??if things are gonna be left as it is all i gotta say is that i think i realli fell fer u...i think i realli liked u....i wanted veri much to cherish ppl ard me but i don't understand why after they left me then i learnt how to cherish...i know its too late.....but don't i deserve a second chance???my life is seriously messed up...its complicated....jus when will i meet my true love??jus when will i be like every other girl???jus when will i be treated like a normal girl???when will ppl learn to cherish me too????when when when????jus as much as u all wanna be loved i want to...i wanna have the feeling of being loved too....wanna be loved by the one that i love and wanna cherish too...but all i know is that no one will ever wanna cherish me neither do they wanna love me or accept me...perhaps i'm not normal enough fer ppl to like....

<3 brenda...='(

todae is simply great...i woke up, showered my dog,dry her and combed her....and another good news is that we are talking again...she msged me this morning and told me we still can't go sch together...but its alrite...i miss her loads and haven't talked to her fer so long le...we haven't met each other fer so long also...dunno issit long or issit that time passes so slow without her...miss everthing bout her now...miss her laughter,her loud voice and her attitude.....l0l sounds kinda cranky....but i'm not les....=)..i miss her cos she's my bestie.....the bestest best thing that happened in my life...she was the one who brought joy, laughter, peace, quarrel, sound, and everyother thing into my life..she was the one who brought me out of my house to see light and everyother beautiful thing in the world again...she is the greatest...i thought i lost her but i think its the word almost....cos i haven't completely lost her.....=)

<3 brenda...

something went wrong between us and everything's gone now cos i lost my cupid arrow....can u come back to me cos i need u so badly...i dun wanna be alone....u were the best thing that happened in my life and i want that kinda thing to come back again....pretty pls come back....

fuck i dun get it!!!!i gonna quarrel with the whole world soon!!!!!why must ppl come and provoke me????i feeling veri fed up and worked up now!!!!!!i can't take it anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i wanna scream but cannot!!!!so all i can do is CRY!!!FUCK MAN I DUNNO WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO ME.....DO I LOOK LIKE I'M SUPER NICE TO FIND FOUGHT WITH??DO I LOOK LIKE I'M NICE TO BE BULLIED?????EVERYONE JUS FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WTF WHY MUST U BRING ME INTO THIS FUCKING PLACE???I HATE THIS SHYT AND I WANT ALL THIS TO COME TO AN END!!!!!!ARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!PIECE OF SHIT SIA!!!!!!!!!!!KNNBCCB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!feeling veri fucked up now....jus one more shit and i gonna explode......gonna scream at the top at my voice and dun bother who's gonna tio me nxt.......................where's everyone when i need them????where's the girl who always used to be there fer me when i'm sad and when i wanna cry????where are u????there isn't true frenship at all fer me...that's simply cos no one likes me...no one loves me...no one wants to be with me............but no one wants to be lonely.......i need all of u back.....i need me back......i gonna hate the whole world soon i gonna hide myself away from this world soon.......but still no one is coming to save me....i'm still missing all those i'm missing...i miss all the J's in my life.....i miss E, A & M too......

fuck man....BRINA ONG I HATE U TO THE CORE!!!!!!!!!!and u made me hate u even more.....feeling damn fucked up now!!!!what's with u????i didn't request for u to add me....i jus dun wan anyone i know to add me...thats all!!!!!i don't want them to know.....fuck sia u!!!!feel like killing u.....if u're not my sister i will sure punch u.....IRRITATING FUCKER!!!!if u wana go out then fuck off la!!!stay home fer what????shyt sia u i swear i hate u....i know u nvr liked me..but who cares????ha u think i bother if u hate me???go ahead....i don't give a shit la huh.....

feeling like a stupid idiot this daes....jus wondering when i can have my freedom back to me again...dun need alot...jus those daes when i'm left alone at home...that will do....i used to be so afraid of being alone....used to be so super innocent...but as years grow by me, i grew up....i am no longer afraid of being alone....no longer the innocent girl i used to be....now i only wish fer all of them to go out....jus wanna be kept at home all alone with my best buddy...she was my love since the dae she stepped into our family....she will nvr betray me and will nvr tell anyone my secret...she's my baby girl..and her name is twinkle =)..haiz!!!dunno why the more i want them out the more they wanna stay in....but i gotta wait patiently...since one of them alr got a job and dunno when she gonna start work also...but haiz the other one jus dun wanna move her ass to go find a job...so poor me...she will jus stay home and use the com the whole dae....or when i come back from sch then she wanna come fight with me over the com...-_-'''dun understand her....used to always say i wanna rot myself infront of the com but look who's talking...

what hurts the most was being so close...i think this time i really fell fer u...and its time god is gonna take u away from me alr...cos as i start falling fer someone he will come and take them away from me...anyway got a last minute call from my auntie and went out of the house at 8pm..took a cab down to fetch my mum, then headed down to east coast....went to jumbo to celebrate my couziz birthdae...anyway girl happy 13 birthdae...haven't got her any presie....but brought her out fer lunch at cafe cartel the other dae...jus now we had lots of fun...we laughed so much, ate so much and snapped so much...i got all my aunties new name...auntie amy(mary), judy godma(emo baby) and auntie cecilia(bubble head).....those ppl there were shermaine the birthdae girl, darren, cecilia mama, james godpa, amy auntie, judy godma, my sister, my mumziz and me....i love them to the core...the are all my dearies.....all the ppl that i realli cherish are all here...feeling realli super tired alr.....so nite nitez to all...sweet dreams and slp tight...

my judy godma and I.....she's sweet isn't she......i simply hearts her....

my auntie amy, me and my bestest best cuzzy.....but we're busy with our things so we hardly meet up alr...

<3brenda...

i'm missing u so badly...where'd u go??i miss u so...izzit the end of u and me??we haven't talked to each other since the 1st of april..you haven't texted me....so have i....i haven't texted u either...do u miss me as much as i miss u????boi i seriously am thinking of u as days goes by...girl i'm missing u too...we haven't spoken to each other either...i lost 2 ppl i love dearly...i don't know what i did...girl, we could actually walk pass each other like there was a wall in between...but my eye caught yours and yours caught mine....but we could look at each other without saying a word and pass by one another....girl, some daes i jus feel like texting you or even goin up to u in sch to talk to u..and catch up with u...but at times when i pulled up all my courage to go up to u, i see u with the girl who took u away from me...there's so much i gotta talk to u....but i know its over...u got ur best buddy..i told u she was ur best fren but u said i was ur best fren...what have i gotta say??she's better thats why i can't fight...when u're sick she prepare drinks fer u to help make u better...when u're down she cheers u up...when u're troubled she was there fer u...so i wasn't there fer u at all??do we really end here??do we really have to end up like this??or is it that we don't have much left to talk to each other??rmb those daes where we laugh together, get sad together and share happy moments together???i doubt all this things are goin through ur mind now...don't u get it??i miss u....and i want u back to me...u are my bestie....i cannot get through alot of things without u....things that no one knew, u knew them all...ppl haven't seem me drinking nor smoking but u did....i share all my probs with u...and u are the greatest...u cheer me up when i'm down....but if this is the end of u and me, what can i say???even if we get back together i doubt u will be happy...i doubt we'll be as close as before....seriously i got a feeling things will turn out this way...but i deceived my feelings...that's why i always asked if we will end up quarreling very badly one dae....but wadeva it is i hope u're happy with her...i can do nothing...sorry...after all she is better...and another thing is that i can't help u at all but she can...although i gotta go to sch and from sch all alone, some dae's i feel like crying..somedaes i jus wanna scream...but its okies...i'll be fine...goin to sch alone is more then boring....but wad have i gotta do or say...nothing will change the fact that u're gone and gone ferever in my life???....i jus wish to go out with u after ur family members return...jus wanna go get the toy together so i can be left with the best memories of u and me...but now i know that cannot be true anymore...but wadever it is girl don't bother bout me kkaes..jus go on with the happy life u're leading now.....i know u're not bothered bout me anyway.....=)dumb me jus trying to deceive myself again....when u were alone, i was there to be ur fren but now u got ur fren so i suppose i did my part...i know its time i let go now...so yupps...its kinda sad but alrite being alone...loner???i'll try my best to fight myself..thanks fer all the times u spent with me...i realli enjoyed it alot...from -> T_T, it'll slowly be -> =)....i'll try my best i promise...

bye...
take care..
love ya....
<3 brenda....
muacks...

1 dae in sch the other not...2 daes in sch and another dae not again...hahas went to sch on mondae and skipped sch on tuesdae...went back to sch on wednessdae...and it felt like a mondae...gotta go sch tmr...and thats the end of the week alr...cos fridae is a good fridae...duno wad kind of feeling am i having rite now i feel so numbed...got so many things spinning round my head and sometimes i feel that i got no one that i am thinking of...seriously need help here...maybe gotta go fer a brain wash...perhaps it'll be nice to lose my memory....then i can start over again...then i can make frenz with everyone.....maybe i'll wanna go fer a make over as well...well i dun realli noe wad i realli want at times...anyways so much fer now...

much love
brenda <3..=p

things between us turned out to be so cold..we can even walk pass each other without a word...things nvr used to be this way...wad have the both of us become of??enermies???used to be so close...used to be together everydae....but now we are goin our seperate ways...if this is wad u want then take care.....after all the other person means more then me...=)...i'll be fine de dun worri...kekke....i noe we ain't close anymore...and we cannot go back to where we 1st started of....anyway love ya girl...

didn't go to school todae...super not feeling well...kept sneezing since the minute i woke up this morning....sweet dreams??i got nitemare la...i dreamt of them...dreamt that i was caught cos of them...they were the ppl in my class..i hate to go to girl's home cos of them....the story goes on....anyway wad makes u think that i was saying u???l0l not trying to be sensitive rite.....i didn't even mention names la...if its over then so be it i dun bother no more...got ur other her to keep u company wad...she shows so much care towards u but nt me....we knew each other longer then u and her but wadeva la...cos i didn't show care towards u???wadeva man....look at things from the other way ard....i ain't gonna make the nxt move ain't gonna apologise anymore...neither am i gonna say that i miss u...my heart's bleeding cos i told u b4 i dun wanna fall out with u...but things dun come easy fer me to accept...i jus wanna cry it all out bt it isn't gonna work so i jus gonna drown it in my bleeding pool of heart....hopefully it doesn't float back up again...so much i've seen of u..so much i've heard of u....so tired of everything that's happening in my life...jus wanna close my eyes....my life is now black and white...who's gonna paint it and bring back all my colours....my life from the begining wasn't colourful as well...cos as i moved on when i was a kid, i started to lost things on the way...and each time i lost something, it was the biggest part of me....no one can see my pain...but when i 1st arrived in this world, my dad wasn't by my side...he was overseas...it was my aunt who rushed back to see me...and as i learned my baby's 1st step, slowly i went to playgroup and when i was in kindergarden, i was in the middle of class 1 dae when my mum came to pick me,her eyes were red...she was crying...back then i lost the half of me...my dad left the world...i didn't get his love, and there he is lying on the hospital bed with a white cloth over his face...he was gone and gone ferever....my story goes on but still no one understands me...my family was down but my mum brought it back up...my mum has nvr controlled us alot...she gave us freedom and she trusted us...so when ppl envy me, they still dun noe the whole story behind me....they think i got a happy family but i don't...i envy ppl who has their little complete family with them....no one will ever understand how i feel...

now i noe wad u realli are....missing u??best fren with u??HAHA!!!funny...sharks i think i realli made a wrong turn....thinking that being alone is sad enough tts why i dun mind letting go of them and be fren with u bt it all turn out this way???veri good!!!wohoo..gonna do it all one short and gonna cry it all out....i've walked so far and there's no turning back..its okies..i learn from my mistake...wow so cool man...going to sch late its 100% my fault??then wad about when u make me late??when u make me late did i ever complained??i nvr even show attitude...find fer ur tail before coming fer mine....i hate ppl who step on my tail when i nvr do anything...i thought we were ok alr...but i felt something different..and jus like i expected, everything turned out to be like wad i thought it would be....since now u got her then sry...i'll try to go away ba...if i've said anything bout ur family that u dun like then i'm sry...but i would like to tell u that there's a saying the pot calling the kettle black....wadeva it is i jus dun wish to continue with all this shit...i kept thinking its my fault bt now i truely noe its takes two to clap...WADEVA!!!

although i'm having fun,i'm still not feeling happy... i still have to come back to my problems....life realli hurts...seems like i realli can nvr get things perfect fer even a minute...i seemed to lost my everything in just one nite....dear angels, i realli dun wanna lose her...we haven't been talking since fridae...i realli miss her alot...pls bring us back together...i realli have to admit that she's my best fren...after all this things, i realized that she's the only one that has ever been so nice to me...misses are all i gotta sae...girl i miss u....girl i noe i have hurt u so much but pls try to understand that i'm goin through hell lots of things...trying to fight all my probs and trying to take all my problems out from under the carpet to solve them...if i dun clear it i might get into a depression...i know all that has happen and all that i've done to u realli hurts...seriously i miss u alot!!!!i miss those times when we sit under the blk together..gonna slack together and stuff....when i think back, tears fill my eyes...wad has happened??why are we ending up in this way???i told u b4 that i nvr wanna quarrel with u..i told u i nvr wanna see us apart...and after so much have happened then realli realized that its all my fault....the another u out there, i think its jus the saddest end of us...perhaps we can nvr be together...maybe we were only frens from the beginning??it seems like u dun realli like me..all u ever wanted was having someone when u're bored to keep u company and tts all...but i gotta tell u that tt's not wad i'm looking fer....sry..alot of things has shown that we can nvr get together...dun u even feel that i'm trying my best to avoid u??dun u feel like i'm always rejecting ur offer??i jus dun wish fer a dae to come when i feel hurt all over again fer a guy....i've got better things to do...i wanna do well??i dun wanna fall out...i've alr walked so far...its not worth falling out fer a guy...i've said it b4 but u won't listen so let it be...i'll proberly ring u up later...i'm sorry fer the things i'm gonna do and done to u...i'm realli realli sry but i'm jus not prepared at all...a million times of sorry is all i gotta say to this ppl...girl i noe to u its sry no cure...but besides sry i dunno wad more to say...i brenda sincerly apologise to joey neo jia min......hoping that this girl will fergive me...i seriously wan u to noe that i miss u....i wan u to noe that i'm not trying to use u....i realli cherish u...even if we dun go to sch its fine...jus dun leave me...wad has seriously happened to us???why are we drifting apart???if u got a better fren then its fine...go ahead...i am only a useless fren to u who can't help u much since u got a better fren then all i gotta say is take care kkaes...

i went out ytd with my brother gf till 3 this morning...went to hougang, bugis, mustafa and then home sweet home...we waited fer the nite rider fer super long...and when we went in there isn't any space at all...it was super cramp...but managed to get a seat....

вяєη∂α σηg яι тzєє♥
lesson #1, dont ever judge a book by its cover.

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