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And so it goes..
i realized that i am taking things in a wrong way...now i noe how much u mean to me...i'm sorry if i've said so much to hurt u....this time u fell sick then i realli realized my mistake...if anythings gonna happen to u, i'd rather it happened to me...jus throw everything that's gonna happen to u all to me...i dun mind....cos u mean alot to me...u mean something more then me... And so it goes.. i dun think i'm made fer u....i dun think we're made fer each other??maybe we should jus ferget bout the us....actually the nite when i said i didn't drink, the truth was that i did....it was my birthdae...i don't like to be controlled....if u dun like it then so be it...i dun wish to change fer someone i dun even noe...maybe i dun realli noe wad love realli meant....all the things that u didn't like about ppl who smoke and drink, i'm that kind of someone too....i'm no better...i drink and i smoke...happy to hear the truth???i dun wish to lie anymore...i dun wanna hide it from u either...if i didn't tell u, i was lying....i did alot of things u will not like...but if thats the case then so be it i dun wanna get deeper in down with u...seriously no one understands me....i dunno why is everything and everbody falling apart from my life....i dunno why even though ppl alr bothered to make the 1st move and i still react in this way....dunno why am i quarreling with the whole entire world...dunno wad is seriously wrong with me...dunno wad got into me...dunno why i am behaving this way....dunno why am i having mood swing fer nothing...am i possesed??dunno dunno dunno....i am starting to get super edgy veri fast....i dun wish to kill anymore can someone save me???i think fer ppl that i care,dun come near me???haiz i'm afraid u will be my victim as well...i dun wish to hurt ppl that i realli love....hey i dun noe wad have got into me but i sure noe i gotta apologize fer all this mess i've made...i'll clear things and get back to u asap????gimme some time...i dunno wad happen but i noe i need time...i'm afraid that alot of ppl will become my nxt victim...i dun ever wanna get caught...so i gotta let go of killing...i noe i dun have time alr...dun come bother me 1st...i alr told u i got no time but u said that i'll have to find time fer u too...i seriously can't i'm sorry...i wanna say i'm sry to another girl as well...when i'm sad she may or may not be there...when i'm happy she may or may not be there as well..but 1 thing that i'm sure of is that she's nice to me...we share alot of things with each other...i dunno if she does but i sure noe i did...i told her my everything...i noe she will nvr do the same i did towards her..maybe she does not trust me but as long as i noe i did trust her i'm happy enough...maybe she trust someone else....and i noe who the someone else is anyway...i jus dun wanna mention names...u may nt noe wad i'm goin through now..u may think that i'm irritating so be it...i hate ppl who wanna give me excuses...i'm goin through helll rite now...my life is starting to change...and i dun noe why but i feel the sharp pain in me....i can't hold lots of things and i can't let go of alot of things as well...i seriously need help but i dun noe who to go to and i dun even noe wads wrong with me...maybe i should go and get hypnotized.....and rite now i'm more than certain that i'm not gonna let go of alot of things...i still will continue to overdose myself and stuff like tt...jus dun wanna care bout the things ard me...!!!can't be bothered... And so it goes.. dunno wad's left of me..dunno wad does life mean...dunno how to continue walking if the path has alr faded..the path slowly disappeared from my view...i can no longer see ppl on the road,can no longer see cars and worst of is that i lost my frenz and family..i dunno where they went..i can't see the way and no one to lead my path...i'm dumb founded...i dunno how to move on...can someone come and save me i'm afraid...i dare not take another step dare not turn....i got no one to turn to either...i see no one...the nite is cold and the sun went back to its respective place..the moon came out to shine and the stars are out to lead the way...but there isn't anything when i look up...its jus too dark and hazy....my visions were blured too...i stood there trying hard to fight my fears and tears...i didn't wanna cry..i knew thats the end of me....i didn't know wad was left fer me to do rite there at that time...i don't even know where i was standing....i need someone so badly...i dun care who that someone may be but i jus pray hard that he will help me....its also fine with me if no one is gonna help me but the least promise me that u will take me with u...i noe that u're the only one who is able to save me...take me up there with u...u noe where...do u realli wish to see me suffer in this way???can't u see my pain??can't u see that i'm drowning in my own blood..i jus wish to get shot dead sometime...hope that i'll die peacefully...maybe u dun have to take me up there but can't u jus take me up there fer a few daes??jus bring me with u fer awhile....show my my path and explain to me...i feel that hatredis in me rite now...i feel that u brought me here jus to get hurt....is bringing me up to talk to me so difficult??is it tt u wan me to go on my own??do i have to prove it to u that i dare and i bare????i've walked so far and there's no turning back...jus another step and everthing is over....i noe u will nvr let me go so easily...u jus wanna hurt me and make me suffer till u are satisfied...i noe u have plans fer me but u noe and i dun...maybe i should jus shut the world behind me and jus ferget the world...i gonna do things that i should not do from now on!!!i dun wanna bother bout my life anymore...a part of me wanna walk away and jus leave this place but the other part of me jus wanna stay...i seriously dunno wad i want... And so it goes.. feeling so super tired...gonna go and slp soon..maybe read book 1st then go fer my nappy nap nap...showered my doggie todae...hahas finally....haiz..loads of craving still at the back of my mind...sianzz no money alr...so sian!!!!i think there's nothing much left fer me to say todae..so yuppz nite nitez to all... And so it goes.. wad have i done to deserve this shit???why didn't i learn to cherish ppl and things ard me??izzit cos ppl hurt me thats why i hurt ppl???i dunno...but then todae isn't a good start at all i almost quarrel with my good fren...went to sch alone todae...went back alone too...felt so much like crying todae..but held back my tears and told myself that todae is gonna be over soon and tmr will be a better dae...maybe she realli is my good fren???cos i can't bear to part with her at times but its jus the atitude i can't tolerate....thats all other than that i think we're fine...she called me a few times but i didn't pick up her call...i dunno how to pick it up...dunno wad to say to her...maybe i'll text her later...i have been feeling tired lately as well..haven't had enough sleep...but then dunno why at the same time i feel moody as well as sad...i feel like giving up alot of things rite now...feel like letting go as well..it feels like now nothing means a thing to me...i feel like i dun give a shyt at all..not even when someone get on my nerves...i jus take it easy but feel like crying tat's all..like a stupid girl who wanted to use the com the minute i came back...i was using it 1st and i was updating 1/2 way when she said she wanted to use the com then i say to let me update 1st but she refused...so she went to off the switch 2 times...thats so lame but i can't be bothered bout it alr... its fer ytd but then it feels like its fer todae as well....27march2007 Maybe you feel like your life is coming apart at the seams; but try to deal with your problems one at a time. Those that are too overwhelming, save for another day. There could be some petty confrontations and difficulties with friends. Try to be understanding and forgiving. In spite of the difficulties of the day, you may have some good fortune come your way. 28march2007 This could be a tough day for you. Do you feel as if you are biding your time, waiting for something to happen? You could be feeling introverted and blue. Your best bet, if you are looking to shake this feeling, is to get out of town. A new environment could help clear your head and put everything in perspective. And so it goes.. wo hao xiang hao xiang gao shu ni wo you duo xi huan ni...hao xiang shou wo ai ni....dan wo mei you yong qi gao shu ni...wo bu zhi dao gai zhe mer ban...qing ni gao shu wo hao ma...wo shou wo ai ni dan ni mei you dui wo biao shi she mer...wo hen ji mo...wo xiang yao ni zai wo shen pang dan dang wo da gei ni, ni mei jie dian hua....wo zhao ni dan ni ye bu zai...wo zhen de zhen de hen xiang ni...wo zai ye mei you yong qi na qi dian hua da gei ni le...mei yi chi wo na qi dian hua, wo hui hen tong ku de xiang ku...wo hen fan..bu zhi dao yao zhe mer ban chai hao...ni ke bu ke yi ai wo duo yi dian???ke bu ke yi bu yao zai dui wo ne mer leng dan....qiu qiu ni huai dao wo shen bian hao ma???wo zhen de hen she yao ni....wo zi xiang dui ni shou wo ai ni......qing ai de wo zhen de zhen de hen ai ni....wo xi wang ni bu yao pian wo..wo shi ke dan chun de xiao nu ren wo xi wang ni bu yao shang hai wo.....wo shou bu liao le....wo xian zai juai de hen tong ku.....hen xiang ku chu lai.....hen xiang ku dan ku bu chu!!! And so it goes.. suddenly felt like i got alot to tell u...felt like i got lots to talk to u about....suddenly miss u like anything...suddenly felt like u are not someone i can trust..suddenly the thoughts just rushed up my mind and i feel like crying...suddenlt i felt like u're not the rite one fer me...i dunno....dunno if wad u said was true...dunno if i should realli fall fer u so deep...dunno if i should try my best to stop myself from falling any deeper fer u...DUNNO!!!!FEELING DAMN MESSED UP NOW,,,, And so it goes.. so bored!!!!!!!!!!!!!went to chalet on fridae and stayed there till sat morning..i went to changi on that nite..i saw ah gua and went to old changi hospital...went back to the chalet at bout 4+..when we were there i felt tired and fell asleep...on morning saturdae i went back home then went out again to study...after studying i went home to slp...and todae is a saturdae....so super duper boring!!!!!can't stand it!!!!! And so it goes.. You are very sensitive right now, so this is not an ideal day to venture into new situations. The stars suggest that if you need to travel, you should bring a lot of creature comforts along to ease your experience and keep yourself comfortable. Strange locations could exacerbate your confusion, and getting lost is a distinct possibility. Staying home is the best option for today, but if you can't swing that, be sure to give yourself some extra time to adjust. Go slowly today, 'cause things are going to be harder than they seem at first glance. That doesn't mean you won't be able to get anything done, but it might mean that you need to take extra care. To be able to get through all the big things that may come your way, be sure to get plenty of rest. Watch what you say and think before you act. This advice could be especially important today. Friends may be eager to gossip, but if you would like to avoid the repercussions, keep your lips sealed. If the situation becomes too uncomfortable, remove yourself. And so it goes.. i'm super messed up...that includes my life...i dunno where i'm supposed to be now...am i suppose to be here or there???i didn't lie...i realli got PTC...i said to meet u after sch but then u said i wanna torn...but then my PTC till 9++ how to meet u and torn seh???+ my fren got chalet and she wants me to be there too...i noe i gave u my words but look u're the 1 trying to be unreasonable 1st...i noe i'm in the wrong as well..but dun u see wad i'm trying to say???why can't u jus understand me???? And so it goes.. went out on the 11 of march....and took pictures...we went back to pasir ris and slacked...then later on alvin joined us...these are the pics we took together while waiting fer alvin to arrive..she got blisters on tt dae too..so when we reached the blk she was kinda showing attitude but didn't wanna quarrel so i kept quiet..i asked if she wanted slippers bt then she said she didn't wan..but i msged alvin to bring fer her..i was playing with the game in my fone till she talked to me...then we were kinda ok alr..
And so it goes.. i guess u seriously don't understand me at all....i am afraid to see u but i dun noe why either...perhaps u are the other guy i seriously fell for??i dunno...bt i sure noe if i got feelings fer u i'll be afraid of something... u noe how i look like but i dun noe how u look like..wad if we meet but u didn't show up??it only means that u were there but u were not readi to accept how i look so u left...leaving me alone waiting fer someone i nvr seen before and waiting there like a lost child...u may nvr wanna contact me again??i dunno...i dunno wad u're thinking of rite now..i'm not afraid that u might do something stupid to me...why should i be afraid??i trust u alot...no one undertands how i feel rite now...feeling so stressed...feel like crying..u wanna meet me so i said okies i go meet u after sch and go back to sch fer my PTC bt then dunno wad u the hell also..then u say fine dun meet HAPPY?? wad does that mean at all??i didn't say i dun wanna meet u..bt i got PTC then wad u wan me to do???skip it??i can't cos i gotta be there with my mum...can't u try to understand me jus a little bit more??HAIZ....dunno wad i mus do to make someone happy...so my job here is jus to make sure everyone is happy and not myself??fine then i'll try to please everyone can??????????WAD THE HELL??I DUNNO!!!I GIVE UP OKIES HAPPY???I'VE KEPT MY GUN AND SWEAR NVR TO SHOOT AGAIN.....i used to think that if i'm good to others they will be nice to me too but in return i got nothing...so from then on i stand on my own and protected myself...but now i shall keep my gun and fer whoever who wanna shoot me jus go ahead i'm nvr gonna react..i'll let u shoot if u think that by shooting me u will be happy... And so it goes.. haiz...felt so sleepy this morning...hahas almost late todae.. have been going to sch late since the sch started after the march holidae...left 6 monthz before i bid farwell to my sch...went back with zann todae..i took a cab so i gave her a ride home too....now i feel like crying..feel like ending my life...even if i'm gone no 1 will noe..perhaps they dun care..i'm not a special someone to some someone out there...i'm a no body....can't wait fer the dae i go....i wana numb myself...dun wanna feel...i feel so hurt....darlings can u all nvr leave me???i'm lonely..i need someone by me...having lots of thought goin through my mind now....sometimes i wonder wad i did to deserve all this shit!!!wad have i done wrong??why am i where i am rite now???mummy the angel said i can fly....they wan me to join them??sometimes i feel that i'm no longer afraid of anything...sppoky so be it..wanna harm me so be it..i'll jus sit here waiting fer u!!!went through so much things..and this is wad is left of me....my heart is seriously bleeding...i need a super big plaster and fer some1 to help me... And so it goes.. i dunno why i jus like him...i can't help but liking him...sometimes i dun understand wad does aku suka kamu and aku chinta kamu means......i'm troubled...i noe no matter how much i think nothing will change...but i'm not ready to accept the truth from u...i'm afraid of wad u gonna tell me... And so it goes.. i finally called him ytd nite...i called him at 12++...he answered the call...i felt like from teary eyes to joy....he said he was waiting fer my call and i said i was waiting fer his...i seriously miss him alot...we talked fer ahilw when he got a in coming call...he said he'll call me back todae....but i told him no its okies...then he was like err 'i like u'...i was shocked...i can't help but wonder at times if he realli dun have a gf....i'm scared...he was talking then the nxt minute b4 i put down the phone he told me he like me......i dunno bt i noe i like him and tts it.... And so it goes.. i noe i miss u like shit!!!i dun noe why i'm falling fer u deeper each dae..u seem to be tourturing me...i wanna cry i feel damn sad deep down inside me...i dunno how long i can't hold on...i can't take it anymore..i try my best to hide my sadness from ppl....i act like i'm fine bt i'm not i missing u like anything but u dun give a shit bout me...its fine i jus wanna noe if u got the same feelings that i got towards u..thats all is it so hard???if u dun like me then jus tell me..dun make me wait like a fool..i'm sick and tired of waiting fer something i'll nvr get...i've been hurt before and i noe how it feels...u nvr msg me todae..i feel realli down..i noe i was in the wrong bt then i did wad i did i msg u alr...i wish to call u bt then i dun wish to bother u if u dun wish to be bothered...i dunno wad u might think maybe u were playing with me only bt i realli dun noe why i will fall fer u too...i wanna call u so badly bt i dun noe if i should...i'm afraid u dun wanna be disturbed...anyway i'll let time take its course..so i'll try my best to remove the knife from my pierced heart... And so it goes.. somehow i got feelings fer u i dun noe why...i dunno if its too fast bt i noe i seriously fell fer u....i'm afraid...afraid that u'll leave me...afraid that u didn't mean it...afraid that u were only finding someone to heal ur pain fer the time being...wadeva it is i'll let god decide...if u're not the 1 then why does my heart cry fer u??if u're not the 1 then why do i dream of u as my.........haiz dun wanna go and think alr...i noe things that i like will nvr ever be mine so i can stop thinking alr....i got a strong feeling that u dun feel the same way towards me...but the more i fear the more i try to hide from it....the more i think the more i wanna cry....sometimes i'm realli forced to think that earth is a place called hell.....i got no where to run and no where to hide..like i said wad has to come will come its only the matter of time... And so it goes.. 17march2007 had a great time...i went out with my primary sch mates and went to watch the haunted sch..after the movie we went our seperate ways...i went back to parsir ris and my brother gf caught up with me...she asked me to accompany her to the doc at TM so i went home and waited fer her to get readi b4 heading down to TM again...after consulting the doctor, she suggested that we go ktv to celebrate my bdae...bt then in the end we changed our mind and had a last minute decision to book a chalet...we went back home and got readi...it was super last minute but i sure enjoyed myself....called zann to come over but she gotta work the nxt dae so she couldn't make it... 18march2007 my brother gf was sure a steady person...we went to barbeque and sumhow i wasn't feeling too good i vomitted 2 times...stayed over at the chalet but my brother gf went back home with the rest...came back home only this morning...now i gotta go get readi and head over to my granny's place cos they got a celebration fer me too...!!!!and as fer tmr i gotta go back to sch alr...this week is the best week ever..haven't stop goin out at all....time realli flies...but lots of things happened this week cos its my bdae too... And so it goes.. i can't catch up with time..bt it jus wouldn't slow down...lots of things happened but i'm still holding on strong...i'm gonna be in my sweet 16 soon..trying to throw all my worries, pain and stress in the storeroom bt there isn't anymore space fer all this to be kept...i'm jus trying to run away from myself but then when the dae comes fer me to open the door i still gotta face all this...i dun have the courage to open the door at all..i'm afraid...being afraid of something i dunno makes me more afraid.... And so it goes.. seriously life is all about up and down...wad goes up has to come back down...wad has to come will come.. wad has to go will eventually go..wad will come will go too..i jus dun wanna see ppl getting hurt but yet i hurt my best fren not noeing it..i wanna tell her how much i'm sry bt i can't bring myself to say it..i noe she's sad..all i can hope fer is tt if u're reading it i wish to say i'm sry... And so it goes.. went out on mondae and went back on tuesdae morning..went to ton with a group of guys...it sure was fun...lots of things happened....attitude was everywhere....bt in the end we were still together...keke...we did lots of things..so sad we didn't have out picture taking session...the 2 guys sure was cute as well..fell in love with them....hahas silly nathon tried to scare me too...sure gonna miss them till the nxt time i can meet up with them again...bt then when we were out my mum didn't even call like once....while joey mum kept calling and nag at her..saying if she doesn't go home she will call the police..wad is this??is this so much of a trust???its not only in a relationship that trust is impt...even with ur family trust is super impt...dunno how some ppl think..seriously...i can go out like if i ton nxt dae also can go out bt her case is like todae alr so bad tmr shall be worse.... And so it goes.. super angry ah i still thought of going to fix my mp3 bt then dun have the bloody piece of paper with me...said she dun ever wanna step into her room end up, went in clear clear clear and threw away my things as well..idiot feeling damn it angry now....too angry till i cried...all thanks to her i dun hav to fix anything now..bloody piece of shit!!!!! And so it goes.. intended to bring my lil twinkle baby to the vet ytd bt it was closed fer the dae.. so i went out in the end..i achieved something that most ppl couldn't achive..(secret)..l0l anyway i was thinking of studying bt then in the end there wasn't any mood fer studying so i suggested to go over to my granny's place so i can leave my books there..there was a ambulance...i told her that maybe its my grandma...then true enough i saw my auntie..i rushed there but they left alr..i still went up to leave my books before leaving...we walked to white sands and i bought 2 revision books..she helped me pick out cos i didn't really noe bout this kinda things..i spend like $$11++ on those books..after which we walked to the park..sumhow she lost her balance and fell down..scratches were left on her knee and there was blood..we walked to one of this blks and sat there..it was realli windy there...then we met up with alvin fer our dinner.. during dinner we spotted lots of blacks..joey said that maybe they were on leave...after dinner we walked back to sch but didn't go in..we walked all the way back to central and they walked me home 1st..then after that he walk her back..l0l so sweet.................. And so it goes.. felt realli hungry this morning so i ordered hotcakes fer my sis and myself..the hotcakes came and they didn't get us any maple syrup..so my siter called to ask them fer a few..she called fer 5 timez b4 getting maple syrup...to me its alritez bt then to my brother and sister its not alrite at all...the other time my brother made them send new kfc chickens and now she make them send new hotcakes..sometime i realli envy their courage to stand up fer wad they want..my mum got 3 kids.. 2 tigers and another baby tiger that mean no harm... And so it goes.. Deep down, i am going through a lot -- but most people can't see it. At least some (maybe all) of it is good, though, and when i pop out the other side, i'll get some serious respect. If there were a road sign for the state of my heart right now, it'd be 'Caution: Curves Ahead' or maybe 'Limited Visibility.' Expect some emotional ups and downs, and possibly a little fog. i may be thinking that friends and others are ignoring me. It's never a good feeling, but don't take it too personally. Remember that we all get caught up in ourselves sometimes and forget to take into account the numerous influences exerted on the lives of others. And so it goes.. can this gap ever be sealed??i have a kinda feeling it will...cos we're on good terms now..bt dunno hw she think also..but wadeva it is i am happy as i am with my life rite now..not too complicating as fer my outside life its still kinda complicating..l0l dunno wad other things to say...too stress!!! And so it goes.. not in the mood fer anything todae..everything seemed so childish and so primary....i didn't even noe i was being attitude...not till she told me..i'm sry if i was. bt i dunno wad happen also...adn i had lots of FEEL LIKE todae..its actually everydae....bt todae there was more...dunno wad went wrong also..anyway went back home straight after sch..dunno why if u dun wanna go or dun wanna do something u gotta go ard finding excuses fer urself i dun like this kinda ppl..if u dun like or u dun wanna do certain things, just tell me rite in the face..its not liike i'm gonna kill u or wad...dunno wad u're thinking man...crazy...feeling damit fed up and...lots of other feeling...dunno why out of a sudden i feel angry and feel like crying.... And so it goes.. i sumhow feel like i can feel fer my another heart beat alr....i'm still bleeding....i'm bleeding with the rose that bleed as well.....todae fer maths i asked my teacher the questions with stars meant that its difficult to solve izzit?? then he told me no the questions with stars meant that u do it in the nite....l0l he was obviously trying to crack a joke....bt as fer todae,every other thing went well bt then my science test didn't go well...i did lots of rubbish..it was so difficult and there was not enough time..and fer my CPA i did alot of test prints...hahas and anyway i'm on my way trying hard to kick my old habits away...too many bad habits..and words that are not pleasent too..TYRING HARD!!!!hahas ON THE WAY!!! And so it goes.. finally!!!couldn't get into my internet explorer few daes back bt then i sumehow fixed it so i can update..anyways went back to school for my CIP todae..it was boring but its fer the community so its alritez..its realli boring as my fren asked me out but she has alr got a plan to go out with her other frenz..she wanted me to join her cos she said she wanted to go out with me..but think i gonna stay home and rot as well...another of my fren can't go out as well so i gonna be more united abit la...hahas... |
вяєη∂α σηg яι тzєє♥ lesson #1, dont ever judge a book by its cover. 
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