i'll keep fireflies in a jar.

i understand that wad is done cannot be undone u cannot get a paper back after u burned it..it has become ashes...i know how much u hate me..i understand cuz its hard to fergive some1...let alone i'm only ur fren...i understand cuz i can't bring myself to fergive my dad as well.. but he's dead and i gotta learn to let go of the hatred that i held....i had a hard time trying....i'm sry and sry is all i gotta say...i wanna die wanna end this miserable life i got..things ard me are killing...they are the once killing me in pain...i can't take no more..HATRED is the word u used...not gonna bare grudges??cos u alr used the word hatred....i noe i'm not to see myself as a victim...cos tts not gonna bring me anywhere..i'm not to bother bout the world...but i'm some1 every1 is against...life fer me is hard i can't move on..its not that i dun wan to but its the things ard me...why is every1 against me??they dun noe wads going on at all...i'm the 1 who is hurt but no 1 see my pain...i can't make things ard me vanish so i gotta vanish instead...i cry in pain..cry with bleeding heart and eyes but no 1 understands..life is like a maze bt now i'm realli stuck.. its jus that i kept quiet fer so long...i need help......why can't any1 understand??i'm jus putting up a strong front bt can't any1 realli see that i'm falling???

i knew that although all this are over we can nvr go back to where we 1st start..i no longer wish fer anything to happen..we both are like leaving a gap a wound that will nvr heal ever again..even if it heals there will be a life time scar..u walked ur way and found new frenz..and all that i used to have i no longer have them now cos they after all belong to u..i'll jus have to learn to live without anyone by me..time changed and all those special times changed as well..a picture shows a thousand words and we didn't take any pictures back then so now we have no memories..and no words left fer each other..

feeling down..damit no mood....i hope to walk the path all the way up...u promised to come down and bring me up 1 dae...we walked by the beach together..when i looked back i only saw 1 footprint on the sand..i felt sad sat there crying...but when i looked up and see i realised that i was following ur footstep and u were actually directing me the way to move and wad was the nxt step i should take...i jus want to follow u ferever...pls bring me back..u left me here without bringing me back and here i am waiting fer u in pain..i cried all nite...i walked and as i walked i cried..i walked through the desert and my tears had dried...leaving behind nothing at all u left me...u kept me wondering when u will be back fer me..i'm seriously living up to my words...i'm bleeding on the inside of me...when i cry i no longer shed tears..i shed blood...i see blood from my watery eyes...i see lines on my wrist and blood ozzing out as well..but i no longer feel pain cos my pain numbed long ago....i gonna eat pills and overdose myself.....cool......

i was in school ytd when everything went back to normal..i din bring my thermometer cos its alreadi spoiled then i was planning to buy from school but they din sell so i had to sit there and take my themperature..like wtf..i was supposed to talk with my teacher n her...but i heard from another her tat he still called her up and talked with her...went back to class and it was oreadi chinese..wad the hell..then i was suprised cos she actually asked me to sit with her..then i apologised..then she said its ok cos she was in the wrong as well...after school i went up to mr nazir and thanked him..he told me that he will call us up together and if its realli ok then he will not disturb us but if he finds something wrong he will continue to disturb us..then he actually knew that i din go to church oreadi..he said he wanted me to continue going and be active in it and pray as well..hahas...

went out with joey ytd..we went to watch movie..finally..we watched JUS FOLLOW LAW and i laughed alot..bt there was a part that i cried then joey say i emo..l0l..after the movie it was oreadi 10 so we headed back to pasir ris..i didn't wanna go back like so early so we walked and sat at the playground slacking..it was kinda fun cos i played a prank on some1 joey knew daes back and he was a true liar..so i named him andy/fahmy..l0l..joey will understand wad i meant..we took pictures but then none were nice so we stopped...we were chatting when i suddenly remember that we were not supposed to sit there in the nite then i told joey lets go..then she was like huh why.then i said we go 1st then i tell u then i actually scared her..but i think it may be true i also dunno..hahas then we like headed down to central cos alvin was there then we went there to sit fer like awhile..then i was tired so when i left she left too..i went home at about 12 ++ but my mumziz was sleeping oreadi..l0l she realli gives me loads of freedom..when other parents are like you better be home now otherwise u can choose nvr to come home those kinda things...sometimes when i dun wan her to care she will care then when i realli need her care she doesn't care..

i was hurt??i seriously was hurt..i was not shedding crocodile tears..it was from the bottom of my heart.. i didn't start anything.he was sweet la he said i was hurt and asked me not to cry he said he will hug me if he had too bt he was a guy and called fer madam aini to hug me..they were the nicest ppl..they were people who cared fer me..i'm gonna miss them..

its a long story and i dunno where to start from and i'm troubled + lost....how do i move on how do i take the next step??its dark and i dunno where to begin from...i dunno if i walk will i fall..i dunno....i noe that if i fall i gotta climb up on my own and start walking again..bt then its no use........this place is heartless and cruel...they will nvr help u if u fall and hurt urself....i'm in super big trouble..i need help..show me the light pls...i dunno where to go from here..god pls help me...hw do i walk up there and knock on the door doing it well??i dunno..

seriously wad do u mean by this..is buzy all u gotta tell me..is this the best answer?????ferget it then....i should realli let it go...okies i oreadi given up all that i was holding...i open my hands and let it fly away...i promise nvr to catch it back or chase after it.never...i'll try my best nvr to cry....i promise to be strong and hold my tears...i'll try super hard nt to miss it...i noe nth that i do or am gonna do will let it come back....cos all it ever wanted is freedom...and i promise to let it go...if it realli doesn't like me there's no point holding onto it...and if its heart is not with me no matter how hard i try i'll nvr have a space......i'm not a person who will not understand..not someone u cannot talk to...if u dun like me then jus tell me i'll let u go..i won't even hold u back...i'm not someone who will do those kinda thing to get u back..i won't threaten to hurt myself...u jus gotta noe once its over i will nvr turn back and from that minute onwards, no matter wad i do or am gonna do will have nth to do with u..........so dun ever come back saying u're sorry fer the things u've done to me cos dun u think its gonna be too late???

i went out todae...went to 3 houses fer visiting...then i gave my auntie's new name...i called my aunt judy emo baby...my aunt cecilia bubble head...and we all headed down to my uncle's place till nite then go back home...super bored wanted to watch movie bt then my fren like damit buzy...haiz..nvm la.....

its chinese new year todae bt everybody like not in the mood liddat...then its like 12 but my sister and brother are still asleep...my mumziz like can't be bothered like that..she say if i'm readi jus go first lor...bt isn't it suppose to be all go together then go early early de????haiz....dunno la this new year like so sucky...saded...

ytd i called lots of places trying to find my baby a vet to go to fer her grooming...finally someone was so kind to take her in cos its like a last minute thing so mostly ppl will not take in any more and they charged another 50% more..normal daes its like 35 bt then i payed like 50++ cos its last minute and its oreadi the eve...hais its a lesson to learn..bt its alreadi the 2nd time..bt then i sat there from 11 till 3++.....its so sick la bt i played with the kitty cats and the doggies there..they were all so sweet...i even helped a lady cut her doggies fur...she said her doggie simply loved me..hahas his name is goofy...keke...and the lady got the same name as my mumziz..keke so cool..

i got fire drill emergency exercise on thursdae..on the 15 feb...i sat there feeling damn bored then i talked to my fren from another class..as we talked i told her that no guy will ever like me then she say nt all guys go fer look..she say some go fer character..bt its not true rite???bt then she asked if there's any guy that i like rite now..then i realized that rite now i dun have a guy i like..perhaps my heart has turned cold and its kinda hard to melt it..cos i had a crush on one of this guy fer 6 yrs and now i have to let go...i got over him..bt when i walk ard i see loads of couples ard..i wonder when i'll be 1 of this lucky ger..bt its onli a fairy tale dream..once i wake up this dream will vanish ferever...i now have crash on teachers..hahahs so sick...bt my teacher is kinda cute...bt he's jus a fantasy perhaps..

maybe somehow i should let go..maybe i should jus accept the truth that u dare not tell me cos u're afraid to hurt me...but we're drifting apart..all falling apart....maybe its time...he jus dun wanna let me have someone i like...so i think i shouldn't have fall fer you at all cos when i've fallen in love with u, u won't like me anymore...maybe i gotta wait till i found my special number..maybe becos in my last life i did something wrong maybe i sweared...maybe i was cursed...maybe i vowed..maybe i did something that rite now i dunno....it all has something to do with my past i guess....i'm all stressed out..feeling darn sad rite now....it won't take a minute b4 i cry...maybe we should go our seperate ways..there's nvr a rite time to say goodbye..its not u maybe its me..i gotta take time to figure out wad i realli need..bt we noe we gotta go our seperate ways..listen to ur heart..let it go if u noe u no longer have any feelings towards me...there's nvr a rite time to say goodbye...bt i jus wanna let u noe that goodbye is the last thing i wanna tell u...i can't explain this feeling..i think about it everydae...and even though we've moved on it gets so hard to walk away...

don't u think u realli changed???dun u think things oreadi changed???we're no longer the us we used to be...it wasn't like that in the past..we used to be so close..bt i somehow feel like u're using the word soooooooooooo busy as ur headline excuse....u have nvr lied to me in the past bt now u lie through ur teeth...i see the lie bt u thought that it was invisible...in the past u will talk to me like the first thing first bt now its like i've disappeared from u...when i'm there u no longer can see me...what happened??why did u have to change??its like wad i said...god had it all planned..he send fer me to get tortured...i can nvr fall in love cos when i've begin to like and start to love the guy he will sumehow take him away...wad do u wan from me???is this my life is this the way u wanna play around with me??i can't take it.....tell me wad u truly wan from me....pls.....

todae i skipped school and went out with joey again..this time we went fer our sakae sushi....its was kinda boring readi cos we went back to the same old place...todae is kinda boring and fer a moment i thought i saw him..bt he said it wasn't him..den the time flies by and it was night alreadi...i went to get my mp3..at last..hahas then went back to TM..this time i got a ride from my cousin..he sent us there..bt sent my sister home 1st...then headed down to TM cos i said i wanted to catch a movie..bt its always a disappointment cos when i went there, the show that i wanted to watch ran out of tickets and there wasn't anymore show to watch so we went back home...so boringgg..haiz..todae thought its gonna be fun bt it turned out to be a dissapontment...plus joey didn't get the heels she wanted too...

todae is the dae that i've truly found my real self..i've nvr done this to anyone...bt i couldn't stand her any longer...i couldn't help it..i'm sry....i exploded during mother tongue class..i actually asked her to get lost....we have been frenz fer like 3 yrs and we're considered good frenz..bt not anymore...she and me no longer click...she have her own world now...in that chapter she jus began with, there's no me...i cried fer 3 daes..school has nvr been so bad before..so bad till i gotta cry..

its valentine's day todae...bt i have no partner to spend it with infact i have no 1...i'm looking out of the window trying to find little love cupids flying around shooting their love arrows...feeling sad bt no 1 to turn to realli hurts....bt i guess i dun have a choice....baby cupid's when will it be my turn,when will u come to me, when will u shoot me a arrow????when when when???????bt i did something fer miss ang todae...cos i was having my CPA todae and i'm staring with a new microsoft...i finished corel draw and now its publisher...cos my course work consist of all this so my cher wanna revise with us...and they wanted us to make a valentine's day card fer either 1 of them..ger's do fer mr.law and boi's do fer miss ang bt i did it fer miss ang....when i pass it to her i wished her a happy v'dae...still feeling down...feeling even worse todae..i dun have a partner....haiz bt wad to do its fate i guess...juszz like that....hahas my new trademark....it used to be U MAY NVR NOE...bt its being passed to my fren and now its JUSZZ LIKE THAT....hahas.....haiz i going crazy oreadi...no 1 will ever have eye's on me....

izzit the end of u and me??u no longer call me or msg me anymore...dun u even have the time to send me a msg???so busy till like that????sharks la... if its over at least tell me can???i'm like waiting fer u like a real big dumbo...missing u is the worse thing ever....toturing...missing those daes when we talk over the phone..laughing,feeling emo...feeling sad when i'm sad and feeling happy when i'm happy...we share our happiness and sadness together..its true la...feelings come and go..told u le..bt then u told me wad i gotta understand that u got ur commitments and studies...bt said that u will nvr leave me...now all i'm left with is a wound left unhealed....tell me if its over pls..dun make me wait..i have a new chapter to begin with...i have to go on and i dun wish to stop at this page ferever...its a sad and nvr ending thing...

i miss those dae's i spent with u....you were some1 special...the 3 of us had so much fun before...bt nw u changed...u seriously changed..u changed till i dun even noe if u're the 1 i knew...if those dae's can return...it'll be the best...bt everyone noe's very well tt time waits fer no man...time can nvr go backwards..so cherish everymoment that u're having rite now...pictures..pictures are the only memories we're leftt with...i went to slack after school todae...i went with my best fren joey...the title best fren came from zann..she said that joey is my best fren...so let it be..i'm not ashame of havin a fren like her anyway...ytd that bitch made me cry...todae she somehow made me cry again...bt anyway todae i took loads of pics with my classmates bt i dun have a single 1 with me.. and i took with my best fren too...hate those bitches....they suxxx to the core

haiz boring...i kinda dun feel like leaving this school out of a sudden..i think i'm alittle too depressed...1 minute i can be laughing like nobodi's business bt nxt minute i'll be feeling damn sad and feel like crying..and i'll stay real quiet i swear....maybe i have split personality...i'm seriously sick and tired of my life i'm leading rite now...i have no love no beau and no nth..when will my prince appear???when will he come into my life??everone is like telling me that the time has not come fer me to have a guy bt it seems like all of them are lieing to me cos there is no such guy coming into my life rite??.let's waste time,chasing cars..if i lie here,if i jus lie here,would u jus lie here and jus ferget the world..ferget wad we're told too b4 we're too old..jus ferget the world...sianzzz..hw nice if i got a sweetheart to ferget the world with me...feeling damn sad now...T_Twhen darkness turns to light it ends tonite it ends tonite it ends tonite.......

todae i went out with joey..and time realli flies..cos we didn't have enough time and reaching the end of the dae i din wanna go back home.. i dunno why..bt we went to topshop then to fareat..then at 5 we left orchard and headed down to marina square..we shopped and laughed alot..then we went back to TM cos i said i wanted to catch a movie..on the way back joey dropped her mp3 like 2 times..l0l..joey i'm so sry..keke..cos she dropped it once and i dropped it once too..we went to TM bt there wasn't any movie fer us to watch so i suggested that we go to toys' R us...at there we took loads of picz.keke so fun...

hahas i look so kuku la bt i oso dunno wad i was trying to do...riding a horse wearing bob the builder's cap??l0l

i took a picture with joey's best fren..l0l...joey u noe wad i mean...hahas....

hahas baby elmo and cookie monster..sho cute la i wanted to buy de bt i wasted alot of money on softtoys le...the 1 i wanted to buy is the 1 with cookie monster..its kinda cute ritez?? that's me and every little baby's good fren..bunny...keke and then got this small kiddo who wanted to be part of my pic too...l0l

that's me and the doggie i wanna bring home..bt its gonna cost a bomb..saded..bt i like it loads..too bad doggie i can't bring u home with me...hahas i'm veri childish..bt tt's me..

thank god she's back..she nagged bt i jus let her go on cos if i were to talk back things would turn super ugly..she talked bout my sister's result..my sister didn't do so well bt i'm sure god has some other things planned fer her already..after all she's talented and has a skill.nt like me..i'm stupid and have no skill..god i pray that u'll help my sister out cos i too love her alot and dun wish to see her sad..i noe she's nt happy too bt she jus pretend not to care..infact she cares alot too..behind those eyes i see the tears and the pain..bt no 1 see's it cos they have nvr been through it..anyway i'll update more later cos i'm going out..out with joey again..wohooo..

i woke up at 5 and i realized that my mumziz isn't back yet..and i went to check things out everything remained the same..nth changed at all she hasn't came home since last night..although we're having a so called war bt i still care fer her.i still love her she's after all the 1 who cared fer me when i was sick,the 1 who gave me money,the 1 who gave me a house to stay and the 1 who realli cared and love me...i miss my mummy..i pray hard that she's gonna be fine..super worried fer her..i told my sister then i asked her to call my mum i dunno if she got through her already..i jus hope that she's fine..mum let me noe if u can't stand me..this is ur house not mine i should be the 1 to leave nt u..even if no 1 is gonna take me in its alritez..i'll jus stay out bt pls dun leave the house..u're the 1 that every1 will worry not me..u're the big shot not me..if anything happen,its gonna be all my fault..pls come back..

will some1 ever like me??i dunno...bt i guess no 1 will..maybe god will maybe devil will..maybe i'll officially get a boyfren when i meet god..maybe he'll be my 1st boyfren ever..i'm gonna cherish him i promise...god will u take me back and let me be ur girlfren??i realli dunno how it feels like having a boyfren..me too wann a partner...i also wanna be loved like all the other gers..bt things are always different..i lead a different life...maybe god doesn't even care maybe he doesn't love me so he gave me such a life..or maybe i'm devils little baby tt's why god did this to me...i'm also like the rest of the gers i'm simple..and i wan some1 to care and love me too..some1 i can go up to to hug when i'm feeling down..someone there fer me lending me his shoulder when i needa let go my tears..when i needa cry it all out...some 1 i can share my happiness and sadness with.some1 to hold my hand and walk this nvr ending path with me..some1 to hold me tight when i'm falling.its jus the little fairy tale i ever wanted bt i'll nvr get it till the dae i leave this world...with me and only me..memories of me and my imaginary fren..feeling hurt i have to hug my teddy to cry..needa smoke to numb my pain deep down..needa overdose myself so tt i can go to dreamland fer awhile before i come back to reality...no 1 will ever see my pain cos i gonna put up a smile in front of them...

i understand tt u're real busy...super buzy..so busy tt u will nvr have time fer me...shall we go our seperate ways???i dunno..maybe we should maybe in ur mind right now there's no longer me...its alritez i get it..i wish to ring u and tell u tt maybe we should jus go our seperate ways walk a different path..afterall we are different in many ways...we lead the different path...head fer different road up ahead...u're clever,u're loved,u're god's child....i'm different...i'm stupid,nt loved,nt talented and i'm dunno who's child...maybe devil's little baby...u're the sort who wanna study and wanna get all A1 in class..wanna top everything and everybody bt fer me i'm the sort who wanna look fer fun...and play..bt i also wanna do well in my studies..trying like super hard..trying to read books and pay attention..trying my best nnt to skip school...maybe in ppl's eye we're always lan ping guo's...bt its nt always like tt..things change...technical students also look ferward to studying and getting a bright future..ppl out there dun understand wad we're going through..they think we only go out look fer trouble and we're all naughthy...haiz...no 1 will ever understand..even my sister said to my jus nw tt i truely understand why u're in technical now...

hiaz....feeling down super down...every1 seemed to have their valentine...bt not me...its like sho sweet la...i went ard asking my frenz if they had their valentine and all said tt they had..i'm not jealous bt feeling sad...bt i guess this is all fate...fated to be a loner....always and ferever

i went out again ytd...i went to fareast with my sister...l0l we laughed alot...omg i seem to be going out almost everyweek...keke...had loads of fun bt i prefer mary then sha sha....maybe bcuz i can click with mary bahz....i travelled by cab like 3 times todae...no money le la all thx to my sistar..she needed to take her results bt then she nvr return her books so she can't take...then the stupid guan so bitchy....i hate her la she was the 1 who wanted me out of library cos mr rahim was veri nice to me...haiz

hahas i super happy la i found out that the teacher i find cute stay near me only...to me at 1st he looked like a monkey then i asked my fren then she said they call him strawberry cos his head look like one...l0l then i combined this two together and i nw i call him strawberry monkey...kekeke...he's sho cute!!!haiz bt i lost my tie todae...on the way to sch i lost my tie...feeling super sad la then on the way home i went searching fer it bt couldn't find it at all...some idiots muz have took it home with them...sianz i love my tie alot and now i miss it loads....tie tie will u come back to me ever??find ur way home la i realli miss u and hope to have u back with me again...i feel so lost without u..u are the 1 i wear fer assembly on tuesdae and nw u're missing....haizzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!

todae i went out with joey...we laughed alot sia todae...i had a damn good time with her la...we planned to go to alot of place bt ended up going to TM to check out my phone stuff and from there we went to eat...we went yoshinoya fer our lunch..from there we went to centuary and from TM we went to marina square..lol...we walk the whole of marina square and i laughed alot...i brought her to look fer clothes..we went to mini toons and had fun there as well..we went to lots of shop..walked walked around..hahas we took lots of clothes to try out and spent the whole dae out at marina square sia then fer dinner we didn't noe where to go...i wanted to go have sushi bt then it was way too crowded...so we settled our dinner at burger king....over at burger king i started laughing again and again...todae i laughed alot..bt towards the end of our trip out i was feeling realli veri tired...so we went home...we even took the wrong train la..hahahs..joey u sho blur...l0l then from there she went to her granny's place...sadded she pang seh me lor hahas bt had loads of great time with her..l0l amah house she can say till amah how l0l....cute rite...keke..

went to fareast on the 1st of feb..i went there with my sister.. she went there to get her hair done..then maysze joined us there after her work..l0l she was working at a bak kua shop la l0l...after my sister was all done with her hair we headed down to the topshop and i got myself 2 dresses... then from topshop we went back home...we had loads of fun...we laughed alot..and we took lots of pics bt i'm too lazy to upload...then we even went to the ID photo to get our photos taken together gether la hahas bt then the id photo cannot see me sad sia bt its all our happy moments...l0l

why do u seem to have disappeared from my life???izzit tt u changed???or izzit me tt seemed to changed??i have no idea who changed..maybe its the both of us who changed..i'm sry...i didn't mean fer all this to happen..its just tt i wanna give u freedom...i dunno why bt after so many weeks i seem to miss ya loads...there was once when i didn't noe who to let go bt nw i noe...its gonna be the another 1 tt i gonna let go cos i ain't gonna let go of u...i realised tt i fell for u and like u...thx fer everything..i promise to be there fer u...bt then i gonna be super busy hope u understand........keke

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lesson #1, dont ever judge a book by its cover.

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